A Open Letter to Katie Holmes 5 Years in the Future.

Dear Katie,

Hey there! First of all, welcome back! It’s great to see you out in the public eye again, and I’m sure that this new Batman movie will do wonders to vault you back into the limelight. I know the last few years have been really hard on you. First you started dating, then married that psycho, [I’m told he’s in a safe place now, and getting the help he needs] which was certainly a turn for the worse… Then you joined that crazy cult, told them your most personal and darkest secrets, which they recorded and filed away, in the off chance that you tried to leave said crazy cult… then paid money to stay a part of the crazy cult. Then after that train-wreck of a 2 month marriage fell apart, and you kinda started to realize that this guy was insane, and part of a large group of insane people… well, that’s when things seem to get harder for you. I tried to follow all of your legal dealings with the cult when you finally started to speak out against them, but I had such a hard time keeping up with them all that I finally just gave up. I hear your deprogramming went well.. Kinda weird that it took you just a few days to get “in” but almost a full year to finally get out, eh? Yeah, well, I guess good decisions aren’t exactly your strong suit ( I seem to recall you picking Pacey… seriously.. Pacey!?! ). I worried about you when you had that complete breakdown and just disappeared for a while… but I guess it’s what you needed. Anyway, I’m happy for you. Now, if only you had.. oh, I don’t know… listened to that psycho speak for a few minutes 5 years ago… or heeded the entire planet’s advice when you started dating him… maybe you could’ve avoided this whole ugly incident… Live and learn, eh? Anyway, lots of luck. Great to have you back.


P.S. You know, just for future reference: Things that you thought were just a super idea back when you were like 9 years old might not be the wisest things to do when you are in your mid twenties. Just try to keep that in mind.

3 thoughts on “A Open Letter to Katie Holmes 5 Years in the Future.

  1. My dearest Ronald,

    I know it’s been a while since we had a heart to heart, and I apologise for your ineptitude, truly I do. First of all, let me say congratulations to you on both of your surgeries going well.
    For the first, I am happy that your knee is starting to feel better and thay you are back in the softball spirit again (Go Tigers, oops, I mean Cubs).
    Secondly, I heard that not only can you once again obtain (how should I say it), uprightedness, but also you are starting to actually have physical sensation, good for you! After the accident (17 times a day Ron, for 10 years, even at 16 years of age you should know better), we all were worried, what with the birth deformity and miniscule amount of tissue in the first place. However, HATS OFF TO YOU, I’m glad the experimental Tiajuana surgery team pulled it off.
    Anyways, back to the heart to heart. Now that Gwen and I have started residency, we ARE able to provide you with the, uh, shipments that you have been badgering us about for several years. I tried to tell you that medical students just can’t take such high amounts of that without getting caught, but now we have free access. Pretty soon we can get you back on your habit of storing your own blood and transfusing yourself every few weeks. But Ron, why? Why the goat urine? Frankly, Gwen and I are concerned. We love you Ron, and we ALL know what happened in the great Ron debacle of ’97 when you got the 23 gallons (GALLONS RON?!) of elephant semen. Not cool dude, just not cool.

    So, before you restart any bad habits, I just want you to think about it really carefully. Think about your friends, and about your health.

    Your buddy,

    Rob friggin’ Brandt.

    p.s. You can keep the novelty nipple clips I gave you last Halloween, I don’t even want to know what you’ve done with them

  2. Katie:

    Sorry to hear about the acid that some guy threw on your face, making it slide down like that… hmm? Oh! I’m sorry. I didn’t know that gravity seemed to affect your face more than others. Um, here: Here’s a clothes pin. Use it to tighten things up a bit, then work it into your haircut. Once it grows long again.

  3. P.P.S

    My good friend Rusty is single. He has been known to make silly mistakes in his 20’s as well- You should give him a call! He always thought you were super pretty, and has never once performed a creepy google image search of your name.

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