Metropolitan Hospital’s New Billing Guide.

I’ve taken it upon myself to write up a little helpful checklist/instruction manual for any new employees in the billing department at Metropolitan Hospital. It shouldn’t be too hard to follow, and those veteran employees need not even look at it, as you already seem quite well acquainted with how this works.

  1. Bill patient full price of procedure.
  2. If patient claims to have insurance:
    1. Request Insurance name.
    2. Tell patient that problem is with insurance. Suggest they call insurance.
    3. Bill patient full price of procedure.
  3. If patient claims insurance company stated the problem was with hospital billing:
    1. Request name of Doctor or Surgeon the prescribed procedure.
    2. Tell patient that problem is with Doctor or Surgeon. Suggest they call that person.
    3. Bill patient full price of procedure.
  4. If Patient claims insurance and Doctor claim problem is with hospital billing OR Doctor’s office calls, claiming problem is with hospital billing:
    1. Claim to be looking into the billing issue.
    2. Wait 5 business days.
    3. Send bill for full price of procedure to patient.
    4. Laugh maniacally.
  5. If Patient refuses to hang up when you say you’re looking into the billing issue.
    1. Insist that patient pay initial billed amount, which will be refunded when the issue is resolved, so as to avoid any late penalties or bad credit.
    2. Take money
    3. Send another bill for remainder of full price of procedure to patient
    4. Eat a puppy.
  6. If Patient calls back complaining about bill again:
    1. Blame Insurance
    2. Blame Doctor’s Office
    3. Threaten patient with attempted insurance fraud.
    4. Suggest setting up a payment plan
    5. Bill patient full price of procedure.
    6. Tease orphans about their lack of parents.
  7. If doctor’s office calls up again, demanding that incorrect billing be corrected immediately:
    1. Try blaming insurance again.
    2. Try blaming Doctors office.
    3. Give that fraud thing a shot.
    4. Claim matter is “out of your hands”
    5. If all else fails, acknowledge error in billing, and promise to fix incorrect billing code for obviously covered procedure.
    6. Bill patient full price of procedure with faulty procedure code.
    7. Invade Poland.

Seriously, Metro. You get the finger… and you owe me some money.

5 thoughts on “Metropolitan Hospital’s New Billing Guide.

  1. Yeah, that’s pretty much the script.
    I’m really glad Krista and I already have all the loans (mortgage and student) and credit cards we need for a while, because two different hospitals have recently come up with a cool game called “Find a bill from 2 years ago that was never paid because we (the hospital) did something wrong, then start making phone calls demanding tons of money and threatening all kinds of dreadful things involving credit reports and nipple clamps.”

    Actually, one of the calls wasn’t from the hospital, but from a delighful young lady from the subcontinent who seemed like she would be content to tread the same 4-sentence loop for the rest of our lives. After waking me up on a Saturday morning.

    If you start a riotin’ and torchin’ party, be sure to let me in on it.

  2. …and attorneys.

    But seriously their billing isn’t better. I’m so glad we’ve got a better system here at work. oh… wait. Never mind, please disregard this post.

  3. Ah Canada, the land of universal health care -I’m pretty sure that’s their new motto.
    Sorry about the dis earlier Ron. Also, regarding Arrested Development- I also find that a fine show. When someone says, “It’s not as if God has handed us down instructions from on high.” just as the giant statue of the 10 Com’s is being lowered is one of the greatest moments in television. Also the episode with George Senior discovered in a hole is one of the funniest single shows I have ever seen.

  4. Look at the bright side, Ron.

    If you were in canada, you wouldn’t pay ANY money for the procedure. You’d just pay like, 50% more taxes. Also, your surgery would be scheduled for 2008.

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