Real quick, as we’re packing up here… This weekend proved to be pretty good. Friday I slept in nice and late, (having stayed up til around 5 doing absolutely nothing.), then Josh came over, and joined Robb and me for some fine dining at Max and Ermas. I talked to Sara for a short stretch before and after, and felt like a giddy 13 year old (Sara the dark haired goddess of a hostess, as opposed to Sara the blond haired beauty of a waitress.). Afterwards we toured Josh’s house. This was Robb‘s first viewing , and my second. Much progress has been made on it, and it’s looking great. Needless to say, I’m jealous of it, though not of the work still needed, and the mortgage and all that. Afterwards it was back to our place, where we were soon joined by Cathy and her sister. For reasons not quite clear in my memory, Robb and I eventually go to telling the full “Tale of Keen” which blended in nicely with my retelling of “The Tale of Julie”. The two tales flow in and out of each other fairly nicely, so it worked out well telling them together. Afterward, one couldn’t help but feel pretty good about our current living situation, and Robb and I both noted how much we had forgotten about those hellish times, and how nice things are now. It is unclear if the Morrissey sisters were amused or horrified. Prolly both.

Saturday, Sven and I hung out, as Julie went out and shopped with their Christmas money and gift cards, etc. Sven and I played some Star Wars Rebel Strike. The game has the original Rogue Leader included as a 2 player cooperative game, and as I loved that game, and grew to be fairly good at it, Sven and I decided to give it a shot. They made it a lot harder. We let the Rebellion down a number of times before we got the hang of it.. In Sven’s defense, he’d never played before, and it is a fairly complicated/involved game, but he picked it up fairly quickly. For my part, I managed to decrease my suckatude on occasion, and the At-Ats were no match for me. We then moved on to Mario Kart, which was also a blast. Julie then joined us, and after some 3 player kart, we had some pizza, then coerced Robb into playing some Euchre, which I had not played in quite some time (perhaps Europe, when we played it all the time… I never got tired of it.. I dunno if Mindy, Maryrose, and Becky felt the same way, though.) Anyway, it was fun times.

Now I just got back from a fast Deacon meeting. (woot), and will finish up the weekend wrap-up. Saturday night after Sven and Julie took off I headed out to Alpine to meet with Annie. I met up with her at Fridays after she got done working, and ended up talking with her til about 2. It was fun.

Sunday was church, then when I got back I settled in for some quality Pikmin fun… and promptly fell asleep…. I awoke to find Swac home (he had gone back to Maryland for Christmas), and it was already around 9:something. So I guess I was tired. Swac, Mandace, and I watched some Lewis Black (“If it weren’t for my horse, I never would have spent that year in college.“), then some Upright Citizen’s Brigade, then Mandace and I watched some Adult Swim (Futurama, Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and Sealab.) good stuff. And another thing, I used to be chubby.

Merry Christmas! Hope all of you had yourself a fine little time. I’ve returned from my parents place in Illinois, and have just finished putting up pictures from my time out there. I had a really good time hanging out with my parents, Amy, and Kris. I spent some time looking through old photo albums, and scanning in all sorts of old photos. We watched a lot of Reno 911 that Kristin had taped. I think it’s safe to say we’re all (including my Mom, even) big fans of that show. Again we all (sans Amy, who was feeling a bit ill) went to my parents church for the Christmas service, and again I got chills as the choir and many from the congregation sang the Hallelujah chorus. It’s that part right before the final “Hallelujah” when there’s a brief pause, and all goes silent. It’s one of the most beautiful feelings in the world, and I feel blessed to be able to experience it each year.

My parents managed to outdo themselves yet again with all the gifts they gave.. I was most impressed by the gifts that they found that were not on my list, especially the 100 Beer mats from All around England and the collection of Monty Python’s Holy Grail Talking Collectable figures that I didn’t even know existed. A great time once again. I look foward to seeing my parents again on New Years.

It’s been a bad day, please don’t take a picture.

Interesting little happening. Dave, Max, and I headed off to Ruby Tuesdays for lunch today, and as we neared the end of our meal, our server approached us and said to me something like: “One of our waitresses, Ann, thinks you’re adorable. So, she wanted to know if you were single.” I smiled and thanked her, and said that I was indeed single. Later on, when she brought the bill, she said I could leave my name and number if I was interested… so I did.

[update: She's emailed, and now she's called as well.]

2.Nine Inch Nails – Pretty Hate Machine

So we’re on to number 2. So when I started this thing, I made a list of every album I could think of that might be on a “favorites” list. I had about a hundred. Then I chopped it down to about 50. Then I started ordering them, and eventually took the top 25 out and put those that remained on that almost list. The order of that top twenty-five has moved around slightly. A few albums from the almost list have been swapped in, and some whole sections have been moved around. #4 and #3 have been there the entire time, but #2 and #1 have been switching back and forth constantly. When it comes down to it, they’re pretty much tied for first. One becomes slightly higher than the other based mainly on mood: pissed versus depressed. So here we are, with #2, Nine Inch Nails’ Pretty Hate Machine. First thing to note: The name of this album is just plain excellent: “Pretty Hate Machine”… Looking at the lyrics, I think the album name captures it quite well: Here’s this guy who is filled with anger, despair, and depression… but it’s almost as though he takes a perverse pleasure in his despair.. A warped masochism (as opposed to a good masochism?) that creates these beautiful song poems about pain, betrayal, heartache, and misery.

[Just a note.. I've tried to write this thing 3 times, and all three times I was fairly mad, sad, or depressed, and what came up was less than quality... an interesting but disturbing mix of self-pity, self-loathing, and outright rage at all things living. I've gone through and tried to make it better, but there are likely still sections where things aren't great. I suppose at one time or another, it was something I wanted to write about. Anyway, disclaimer over.]

I’m honestly having a hard time thinking of what to say about this album. Anything I say seems like an injustice, really. I’ve already mentioned that I got an album, this album, from my friend Kenton in High School. I listened to it, and liked a number of songs on it, but after I got repeatedly dicked over by Sarah I started listening to it a lot more… and it became a pattern. This album became the mainstay in a wretched cycle of disappointment -> anger -> depression. I wish I could say that listening to this album made me feel better about things, or made me less mad/angry/depressed. It didn’t really do that. It usually made me feel okay about feeling that way, but mostly, it was simply something I felt was necessary. I was in pain, and I needed something that matched that. Eventually, this album had the ability to numb things a bit, which was really what I was looking for. Here’s the thing.. if I’m pissed off, listening to an album that’s happy is going to piss me off even more. That’s not what I need. If I was mad, I want everyone to be mad.. at least everyone in connection with me. So too if I was pissed, sad, depressed, etc. That’s why when I became one of these things, I hid myself away, and didn’t really associate with anyone. I didn’t want my friends to be mad/sad/etc.. but I knew for a fact that if they were happy, it’d just make me mad that I wasn’t happy. I dunno.. I’m explaining this poorly, but I doubt I could ever explain it well… It’s partially the fact that I’m very much into myself and my own feelings [in that my own feelings/emotions completely control me, to the point that I'm no longer useful as a person much of the time], and partially the fear that the joys afforded to other people will be denied me simply because I desire them so damn much. Despite numerous flurries of unbridled optimism, I still hold that as one of my chief fears, and have witnessed little to deny its frightening possibility.

I seem to have gotten off track… back to this album. I listened to this album very regularly from the middle of high school through all of college. Any time I was down, mad, etc… it would go on. I’d take naps to it, I’d program to it, I’d drive to it, and I’d fall asleep to it at night. The more I thought about it, the more I decided that I didn’t really take comfort in the fact that someone else out there felt the same way I did.. I mean, that didn’t make me feel better at all… I did really liked the fact that I could use this to explain to other people how I felt without just sounding like a whiny bitch… and that’s what I’d do.. Close friends who would go through music with me, like Molly… I’d pick a song from this album, and we’d look at it, and I think it helped her understand… I hope so anyway. It gets very tiring having to pretend to so many people that you’re fine all the time.. sometimes it’s really nice to know that there are people out there, close friends, where you can be honest and say that you’re not fine, and that you haven’t been fine for such a long time that you don’t even know what fine is like anymore. Coming right out and saying that sometimes just scares people away.. they’re convinced you’re going to go kill yourself, or they’ll just assume that it’s a “bad day” thing, and you’ll be cheery in the morning… Anyway, there are songs on this album that made talking about problems like that a lot easier.

I think this album’s songs can be thrown into one of two categories: There are songs about loss and rejection, and then songs that aren’t about loss and rejection. While I like all the songs on this album a lot, I prefer the ones in the first category…

First we have Head Like a Hole, which is fairly well known, I believe. It got a decent amount of radio time, and it was the first NIN song I had ever heard. I see it as the first song in a set of two, with Starfuckers, Inc. from The Fragile. Head Like a Hole is essentially about people making themselves whores to money.. The pursuit of fortunes pretty much take over their lives, and, well, blackens their souls.. I think the chorus says it well: “Bow down before the one you serve. You’re going to get what you deserve.“.

Next is Terrible Lie, which I think is one of the best written songs from the whole NIN catalog. Much of this entire album has already been addressed in the comments to this post, but I’ll be reiterating things here and there. Terrible Lie deals with the struggle between believing the promises of God (and, I think, Christianity in particular.) He very much wants to believe, as he sees the benefits, but for one reason or another (I believe it to be an inability to accept the fact that he can not save himself) he is unable to believe, and he blames God for what he sees as a betrayal. How can he believe in a God that’s good, and will give all this good stuff (Salvation, etc..) if the world is so wretched? So, as a result, he calls God a liar.

Down In It has been one of my favorite songs on this album since the beginning. It starts out with things all going so very well, and things just fall apart, and leave him completely destroyed. It contains a snippet I very much like:

  I used to be so big and strong  I used to know my right from wrong  I used to never be afraid  I used to be somebody.    I used to have something inside  Now it's just this hole that's open wide.  I used to want it all  I used to be somebody.

Andy said something in the comments to that old post that I very much liked and agreed with. One of the things I like about this album is that even though early on in the album the singer rejects God, and begins to revel in sin, throughout the album, he still seems to recognize what he’s doing is wrong, and that there’s just something “off” about all of it. That idea seems to start around here. We begin with Sanctified, which seems to be about having sex to make yourself feel better… only it’s not really making you feel all that good, and you just seem unable to do anything about it. Another look, and some research suggests it could be about drug addiction, instead.:

  i'm just caught up in another of her spells.  well she's turning me into someone else.  everyday i hope and pray this will end.  but when i can i do it all again  

Something I Can Never Have is one of my favorite songs. It’s a sad song, and it sounds sad. This is the song about loss and rejection.

  I still recall the taste of your tears  echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears  my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore  scraping through my head til I don't want to sleep anymore    come on tell me  you make this all go away  I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself  you make this all go away  I just want something I can never have    you always were the one to show me how  back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now  this thing is slowly taking me apart  grey would be the color if I had a heart      in this place it seems like such a shame  though it all looks different now, I now it's still the same  everywhere I look you're all I see  just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be    [ think i know what you meant.  that night on my bed.  still picking at this scab  i wish you were dead.  you sweet and perry ellis.  just stains on my sheets.]    

With Kinda I Want To he comes right out and says it: What I’m doing is wrong, but I’m going to do it anyway.

  I'm not sure of what I should do  when everything I'm thinking of is you  all of my excuses turn to lies  maybe god will cover up his eyes    I know it's not the right thing  and I know it's not the good thing  but kinda I want to    maybe just for tonight  we can pretend it's alright  what's the price I pay  I don't care what they say  

The album continues in this vein.. You have Sin, an amazing an powerful song that I think tells the story of a guy betrayed and left by the one he loves.

  You give me the reason.  You give me control.  I gave you my Purity.  My Purity you stole.  Did you think i wouldn't recognize this compromise.  Am i just too stupid to realize.  Stale incense old sweat and lies lies lies  

Think of it this way (or at least, this is my interpretation of it): A guy [a virgin] hooks up with this girl, falls completely in love with her. Eventually they sleep together, then she dumps him. I think the line “Stale incense, old sweat, and lies, lies lies” could refer to the girl’s past… old lovers, etc.. or to the memory of when they made love (the incense and sweat have grown old and stale, but the lies that got them there remain.)

  It comes down to this.  Your kiss.  Your fist.  And your strain.  It gets under my skin.  Within.  Take in the extent of my sin  

Equating her kiss to violence (her fist). The line “Take in the extent of my sin” could mean a number of things: It could be referring back to them having sex, which he now views as wrong. It could be asking her to take away the guilt/sin he now feels as a result of that experience. Or he could talking about his hatred for her.. wanting her to feel and experience the full extent of his rage.

  You give me the anger.  You give me the nerve.  Carry out the sentence.    I get what i deserve.  I'm just an effigy to be defaced.  To be disgraced.  Your need for me has been replaced.  And if i can't have everything well then just give me a taste.   

Okay, so he sees what he’s done is wrong, and feels he’s being punished (the betrayal, the pain/anger/emptiness eh now feels)… The last line hits me two ways. One idea is that now that he can look back and see how he was used, he wants to do the same thing to her… sleep with her purely for sex without any feelings (since he can’t have “everything”, i.e. the relationship, he just wants the “taste”).. the other idea is that thought that somehow sleeping with her will make things go back to the way they used to be… or at least make them better than they are today. He still can’t have everything.. he can’t go back to being naive.. but if he could be with her, at least he’s have a taste of what it was like back then.

This idea is furthered along with That’s What I Get, which seems like the logical next step from Sin. Now he’s just really depressed, and self-loathing. The lyrics speak for themselves.

  Just when everything was making sense.  You took away all my self - confidence.  Now all that i've been hearing must be true.  I guess i'm not the only boy for you.    But that's what i get    How could you turn us into this?  After you just taught me how to kiss you.  I told you i'd never say goodbye.  I'm slipping on the tears you made me cry.    But that's what i get.  (For trusting you)  That's what i get.    Why does it come as a surprise.  To think that i was so naive.  Maybe didn't mean too much.  But it meant everything to me.   

Reading through the lyrics now, and remembering that I first got into this album when I was with Sarah, I’m really not surprised by which songs still stand out as being long time favorites… I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and as such, I’m a pretty wide open target for abuse, especially by those that I consider close. Perhaps I’m just very naive, but it sure seems at times that people get a perverse pleasure out of being able to fuck with other people’s hearts.

The Only Time sees him slipping away further. Having lost his innocence, and his trust in people, his life has lost meaning. Now he’s just out to “fix” himself, and as the song suggests, the only time he “feels alive” is when he’s having sex. So he does what he needs to get it.

  i'm drunk.  and right now i'm so in love with you.  and i don't want to think too much about what we should or shouldn't do.  lay my hands on Heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars.  while the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car.    nothing quite like the feel of something new.  maybe i'm all messed up in you.  this is the only time i really feel alive.    i swear.  i just found everything i need.  the sweat in your eyes the blood in your veins are listening to me.  well i want to wrap it up and swim in it until i drown.  my moral standing is lying down.  

That last line of the last verse I find interesting. “My moral standing is lying down“. First off, it’s an obvious double-entendre.. but it seems to acknowledge that either his morals have changed radically, or that he is simply no longer living by his moral code. It’s another reference to the idea that what he’s doing isn’t right, or at least what he’s doing is something he once believed to be wrong. You don’t find much of that in The Downward Spiral.

Finally we have Ring Finger. Here’s a guy who is being just beaten into the ground by this girl, and yet he’s convinced that if he could just marry her, it would make everything okay… that’s how I read it anyway. So you’ve got the verses where he rages about how she’s laying all this shit on him, and he’s never good enough for her.. then you have the chorus, where he begs her to marry him and make life worth living (“I get everything I need when I get part of you“).

  well you've got me working so heard lately.  working my hands until they bleed.  if i was twice the man i could be.  i'd still be half of what you need  still you lead me and i follow  anything you ask you know i'll do.  but this one act of consecration is what i ask of you    Chorus:  ringfinger.           promise carved in stone.           deeper than the sea.           ringfinger.           sever flesh and bone           and offer it to me.    you just left me nailed here.  hanging like Jesus on the cross.  i'll be dying for your sins.  and aiding to the cause.        wrap my eyes in bandages.  confessions i see through.  i get everything i want.  when i get part of you.    ringfinger.  promise carved in stone.  deeper than the sea.  ringfinger.  devil's flesh and bone  do something for me.

So there we have it. Looking back on it, it seems like an album that chronicles a life where one by one, everything lets him down [or at the very least, he sees everything as letting him down]. First, society and the system he lives in (Capitalism), then God and Religion, then life in general just falls apart for him as he’s let down by friends and lovers, his own conscience and morality, his self-control (drug and sex addiction), etc. By the end he’s grasping at anything that might give his life meaning. It’s not a happy album, and it was never meant to be. You don’t listen to Nine Inch Nails to feel better about yourself. Sometimes you just feel the need to pull off the scab and let it sting for a while.

I was looking through McSweeneys the other day when I came upon this section of writings that intrigued me. Apparently a request was sent out to writers to write a short entry in 20 minutes. I guess the idea was that you could think about it for a while, or whatever, but once you started writing, you got 20 minutes, and then you were done, and that was it. For reasons not certain, perhaps my tendency to write for hours upon hours, or my habit of writing stream of consciousness type blogs on occasion, I thought that was a really kewl idea, and as such, I’ve set the timer.. I’m giving myself 30 minutes to write about stuff that’s been going away. The hope is that I’ll be able to hit on a few things of very little relevance without this turning into another long drawn out entry about how I’m pissed off about something, or how I wish Deedre would just fall head over heels for me. (Lest you wonder, I’m currently pissed off about very few things, which is good, and I still wish Deedre would just fall head over heels for me.) With that out of the way, the counter is started.

2:23 – Mario Kart

Swac and I threw a decent amount of time at it, and last weekend we finally beat Mario Kart: Double Dash. There were a number of things to unlock (Tracks, racers, cars, and additional play modes), which made playing through it interesting. But now a quick review of the game.

I’m a huge fan of the Kart series. Josh and I had a very heated rivalry on the SNES version, with tracks that each of us was guaranteed to win every single time, and others that were kinda up for grabs, and would ultimately decide who won.. We played that game a lot, and it rules. Consequently, when he and I lived together, I had to buy an N64, so we could get the next version (admittedly, I bought the N64 for Zelda, but getting Kart was a perk.) Anyway, that game improved upon the SNES version, upping the graphics, adding changes in elevation, and introducing some kewl additions, like the ability to hold toys behind you to block heat seeking red shells, the power-sliding speed burst, 4-player mode, and the blue shell… There really weren’t any huge flaws in the game that I could see. It seemed a perfect update to a beloved game. Now we’ve got the Gamecube version…. There were some improvements that I really liked: The graphics are updated again, and they look wonderful… flying by at 60 frames a second even in 4 player mode is impressive. Giving each character special toys was an interesting addition that that I think works pretty well… and having many things to unlock was a great idea that kept me playing the game in single player a ton more than I ever did with the N64 version. But… the problems: First off, there wasn’t that big noticeable change like there was jumping from the SNES to N64… When I got the N64 version, I just sat back and thought “wow.. this is amazing”. With this version I sat back and thought “Yup… I guess this is what that game would look like on a better system.” Not a huge deal, really, as the N64 rules.. just being able to play that game with upped graphics would be fine enough for me… But then they went and took some stuff out: like the hop… I miss being able to make the kart hop when you press the top button… and I really miss being able to slam on the brakes to keep from spinning out when you hit a banana peel. You can’t hold toys behind you anymore.. Now they warn you when something is going to hit you, and you’re supposed to throw something behind you to stop it.. only it’s a bit unreliable, as you don’t know how far the thing is behind you, and so it’s all a guessing game as to when to fire.. and they don’t always warn you… and it’s just dumb not to be able to hold the thing behind you in the first place. The tracks themselves are alright, and I’ll admit, they’ve really grown on me.. but I remember being less than impressed with them at first… They seems fairly ordinary, without much imagination thrown into them…. With the exception of the Special Cup tracks, which, once unlocked, completely redeemed the entire track selection. Each one of them is pure gold. You have two characters to chose now.. a driver and a “weapons guy”… but they don’t matter much, besides choosing specific people for specific karts (Bigger guys don’t fit in smaller karts, and smaller guys don’t get to pick big karts). As for having two people in the kart… it allows you to hold two toys at once, but that doesn’t alter game play much, as you could have two toys before by holding the one behind you, which you can’t do now… All of these are relatively minor complaints though. I have 2 big complaints that at times made me seriously wonder if I liked the game at all.

1. Battle Mode Sucks: I very much hope this is simply a case of “you have to get used to it”, but I was horribly disappointed in battle mode. They’ve come up with 3 different games in battle mode (verses the 1 standard mode in the SNES and N64 games). First is your ordinary 3 balloon game, where each driver has 3 balloons, and each time you get hit, you lose one, until you’re out. Here’s the thing, though: in the N64 version, when you died, you turned into a bomb on wheels, and could then run into someone else to take out one of their balloons. Being a bomb was one of the kewlest ideas I’ve seen in quite some time, and resulted in hours ‘o fun. (Imagine being bomb man with three green shells, and taking down the as of yet untouched bastard that killed you with all three shells… sigh.. good times) Anyway, Bomb man is gone in the ‘cube version. Why!? Were you afraid people would like it too much? And the first 3 maps for battle mode s u c k. Hard. The one remaining, and two that can be unlocked are better, but don’t make up for it. Rather than the fun game of pursuit, skill, and planning that the first two games were, it’s turned what I’m sure my wedding night will be like: Over very quickly, no one’s sure quite what happened, and no one else seems to have enjoyed it all that much. The other modes are interesting as a novelty, but just haven’t really caught on.. again, because they’re the same maps, and those maps suck.
2. The computer plays like a bitch: It was a problem with the earlier games, where the computer just played cheap. It’d magically get exactly what it needed at the perfect time all the time, and it was annoying. Well that got multiplied by a thousand for this game. Being in first for the first lap and a half is completely meaningless, except that it guarantees you’re going to get utterly screwed over the remaining lap and a half. It was so frustrating that it made the game not fun to play at times, and caused me to come up with whole new strings of obscenities. I caught myself in a loud voice instructing Wario to forcibly insert his apparently hell-bound vehicle into his rectum, and many a driver was instructed to have intercourse with themselves. Apparently, winning a race was also cause to invite all the other drivers to provide me with oral pleasure. Anyway, they game cheats, and it doesn’t even try to hide it this time, and that really annoyed me. If you want to make the game harder, make them better drivers. Have them simply race smarter. Don’t just give them blue shells when they’re in 2nd place, then have them all magically pass you inches from the finish line. Oh.. and Wario is the biggest bitch of them all.

Time: 3:00. Verdict: I suck at this time limit thinger.

3:01 – A list

I was thinking the last few weeks about things I hate, and I came up with this list:

1. Being ignored
2. Being forgotten
3. Being annoyed
4. Being hated

I was just thinking about different ways in which one person could hurt another person, and what things bothered me, and I decided on this order. I’d much rather someone hated me, and sought to do me harm [4] then someone repeatedly do something that drove me insane and not realize that they’re pissing me off [3]. While 3 offers the possibility for the person doing the annoying to be informed, and perhaps they’ll stop, it still irritated me more to know that they didn’t/don’t realize what they’re doing was/is annoying. Being forgotten is horrible, as it essentially means you weren’t worth remembering, which is a pretty heavy slap in the face, but it doesn’t hold a candle to being ignored.. when you’re remembered, and purposefully avoided. At least when you’re hated, there’s a level of emotion devoted to you. Your presence has made an impact on someone else. Love and Hate aren’t that sharply divided.. which is why all those sitcoms and TV movies has the guy and girl who hate each other, then fall in love. The opposite of love is apathy, I think. I really can’t handle being ignored.. or the perception of being ignored. It drives me insane. It doesn’t offer any reasoning, either. When you’re hated, odds are you’ll get to find out why.. When you’re ignored, you’re just left to wonder. Anyway.. yeah. I was thinking about that the other day.

Time: 3:13 – Screw the time limit this time. It’s been a while since I’ve written about stuff.

3:13 – Widows

As part of my deacon duties, I had to deliver poinsettias to widows and shut-ins from my church this past week. It turned out to be a good experience. Needless to say, I was terrified, as I didn’t know what was expected of me, I have a tendency to get lost when traveling to places I am not familiar with, and I was fairly certain the ladies I visited would be angry old ladies who would gripe about the kids these days, and how they don’t appreciate anything. I did manage to get fairly lost on the first delivery (It was pitch black, and the addresses were all in different locations on the houses, and none of them were lit, and there were two streets: Legion Park and Legion Court, and I wound up on the wrong one. Anyway, I finally got that figured out, and talked with her for a short time (She had to head off to see her grandchildren perform in a Christmas program in Grand Rapids). She I knew fairly well already, so I wasn’t too nervous about seeing her agian… My next visit went well as well.. I was invited in, and talked for a while about my family (Everyone from my church wants to know how my family is doing whenever they see me.. which makes sense, as my Dad was the minister for many years there.) One of the things I came to appreciate even more than I had already known is just how amazing a man my father is. These people all really loved him, and he really made an impression on all of them… so much so that my reputation precedes me to people I’ve never met based solely on my last name. I’m at the same time grateful and nervous, I really don’t want to do anything to tarnish his reputation, and I know I can hardly live up to the standard he set. I’m doubting they expect me to be him, and all, but still, there’s likely some expectations that I’ve got to live up to… Okay anyway, my 2nd visit was good. I knew her pretty well as well, so I wasn’t uncomfortable or anything. The 3rd person took me a long time to find (including a walk around a nursing home that turned out to be the wrong address.. but their address wasn’t posted anywhere, and it was in the right location… stupid Zeeland). Anyway, it was an older lady (94), whom I didn’t recognize or know at all. She remembered me from when I was 13 (and apparently 2 feet tall, according to her hand motions ["back when you were about yeah big"])…. but again, she knew my father quite well. She and I ended up talking about all sorts of things which i found … well, fascinating, quite frankly. We talked about languages (she spoke and wrote Dutch, and I’ve dealt with a number of languages because of my job, and took 4 years of Latin in high school), Music (apparently, some music was written up and down, instead of side to side back where she grew up in the early 1900′s.. we both thought that was really dumb, and had no clue how it would work.) I talked about my work, she talked about her family, and just random things here and there. She said something which caught my attention, and stuck with me [especially that night].. She was talking about her sister, who is 107, and about herself being 94.. and she said that time just continues to go by so quickly… you don’t even realize it, and whole years have slipped by. Now, I’ve been struggling for some time now with the fact that I’m getting older, and I’m just not where I thought I’d be at this age. Stripping it down a bit, my biggest problem is that I’m 25 years old, and I seem to be no closer to a wife than I was at 16.. and that’s not even true, cause at 16 I had an unwavering faith in myself, and confidence that a woman would want to be with me, and now at times that’s been replaced by doubt and serious bouts of self loathing.. It’s not that I wish I was married right now, cause I don’t, really (Though certain aspects of it do appeal to me [psst, he means "Sex"]) But I’d really like to believe that it’s going to happen for me, and not when I’m too old to enjoy it, either. Anyway, with that as a big problem rolling around in my head, I’m constantly grinding on what it is I ought to be doing to make life more like what I want it to be… It’s hard to seize the day when you don’t know what the day is… or when the day says it doesn’t want to be seized. Oh, yeah.. the other hiccup: I’ve waited this long, so I’m not settling for anything but exactly what I want.

I delivered the last flower today. That visit went well also. I plan on visiting a few of the ladies again in the near future. I didn’t expect that to happen, but it did. Things that caught my attention:

1. Whether out of politeness or real interest, all of them wanted to know a lot about me and my life, and that made me feel good.
2. My father had an impact on all of these women’s lives that they still speak of with great enthusiasm to this day.
3. If given the opportunity, people will share just about everything, including things that would make a young man who gets queasy about blood and guts stuff pass out or die.[I managed to keep my composure somehow]
4. I’m a better person than you are. Life owes me more happiness than you, and it ought to start paying up right now.

Time: 3:46. I’m an idiot.. and now I will sleep…. Crap, I’ve got pictures to put up too.

We’re moving cubicles around, and pretty much redoing the entire back room where we work, so here’s some pictures of my cubicle as I cleaned it out.

It’s 4:35. goodnight.

3. Pearl Jam – Ten

We’re nearing the end of the countdown.. I’m as ready to be done with it as you. The unfortunate thing is that I’m getting to the albums that I like the most, and have spent the most time thinking about, and mean the most to me, but I’m also growing tired of talking about all these albums… though that didn’t really stop me with the Counting Crows album… In my defense, that one took me over a week to write. Anyway, we’re on to number 3: Pearl Jam – Ten. Let’s face it, two things are very true:

1. Pearl Jam is excellent
2. Ten is Pearl Jam’s best album.

That said, it makes sense that this album appears near the top of my list. It introduced me to Pearl Jam, the songs are a ton of fun to play on the guitar, and sing along to in the car. I also find the lyrics of the album fit together fairly well to tell an interesting story. This album also holds a number of my favorite songs, including Black and Porch, which are very high on my list.

I’m also going to make a slight exception with this album, and include a few of the B-sides from singles of this album. For any other band, these B-sides would be the hit singles of the album. Songs like Yellow Ledbetter and Footsteps are just plain amazing, and I think they deserve to be considered more or less part of the album. (Tac an * on to this one if you want, I don’t care).

Okay, first, a little history, cause I think it makes a few of the songs seem a lot kewler if you know the history: Jeff Ament and Stone Gossard were in a band called Green River. Green River broke up after a relatively short time and Stone and Jeff joined Mother Love Bone with Andrew Wood. Wood died of a heroin overdose, and Jeff and Stone eventually met Mike McCready and began playing together. There was a demo tape of some stuff they had done (“The Gossard Demos”), and it made its way to Eddie Vedder via Jack Irons. Eddie wrote some lyrics, and dubbed his vocals over the demos, and sent it back to them, titled “Mamasan”. These 3 songs became known as The Mamasan Trilogy, and included Alive, Once, and Footsteps. Eddie called it his mini-opera. Anyway, they join up around the time that the group was playing in Temple of the Dog with Chris Cornell and Matt Cameron of Soundgarden, and Eddie lended his vocals to a few of the tracks (remember Say Hello to Heaven and Hunger Strike? Fantastic Stuff). After that was finished, Dave Krusen joined them, and they formed a band: Mookie Blaylock. The New Jersey Nets point guard apparently didn’t think that was so grand, so they had to change their name… and they became Pearl Jam.. supposedly named after Eddie’s grandma’s hallucinogenic preserves. (It had peyote in it). The name Ten is in reference to Mookie’s jersey number.

The part that I find the most interesting is the Mamasan Trilogy. If you’ve read this site this far, you know I’m a fan of lyrics and albums that have stories behind them, and link together to tell a story. Well this story is no exception. This album in also a bit hard to understand at first glance, because it’s hard to tell if the songs are supposed to be coming from Eddie, or if he’s writing about some other [fictional] person. There’s an interesting cross of Counting Crows-esque lyrics that are obviously about the author, and make no secret of that fact. I see a song like Black or Porch and have to believe there’s got to be a lot of personal feelings involved in a song like that. But then there are songs that seem more R.E.M.-esque to me. Songs about other people, told from their point of view… and while there may be some personal similarities, it’s using someone else’s life to tell about some sort of universal feeling/emotion/problem/etc. Take a song like Jeremy or Alive, and you get what I mean.

Okay, with that said, let’s look at a few songs: First, there’s The Mamasan Trilogy. We start with Alive, which has been for quite some time one of my favorite songs to play on the guitar. The story in short: This boy is told by his mom that the guy he thought was his dad is really his step-dad, and his dad is dead.

"Son," she said, "Have I got a little story for you.  What you thought was your daddy was nothing but a...  While you were sitting home alone at age thirteen your real daddy was dying.  Sorry you didn't see him but I'm glad we talked."

So the Mom is still reeling from the fact that this guy she loved is dead.. and even though she’s remarried, she still is fairly messed up about her first [perhaps only] love dying. Meanwhile, her son is growing up, and looking more and more like his father… and I guess the Mom sees him as the only way to be with this guy that is gone, so she goes and has sex with her son… Needless to say, this messes up the son fairly well.

  Oh, she walks slowly, across a young man's room  She said I'm ready...for you  I can't remember anything to this very day  'cept the look, the look...  Oh, you know where, now I can't see, I just stare.

In live versions, the line “she said I’m ready for you” is replaced with “She said I’m ready to fuck you“. As for “the look“. This verse is coming from the kid’s point of view.. so I always imagined that “the look” referred to the look on the Mom’s face.. but the “oh, you know where“, along with the “I can’t see, I just stare” makes me think it’s more likely the look between her legs. So yeah.. this kid is warped for life now.

So now we get to a part that gets a little confusing to me. I think the Mom is talking to herself here, or perhaps she’s talking to the son. Perhaps it’s both.

  "Is something wrong", she said  "Well of course there is"  "You're still alive", she said  "Oh, and do I deserve to be?  Is that the question?  And if so, who answers?"

If the mom is talking to herself, then it’s her struggling to deal with 1.) Being around after the love of her life died. 2.) Being around now that she’s completely messed up her son. So at this point she’s looking at her life, and what’s going on, and all she really knows is that she’s “still alive”. If she’s talking to her son, then she’s asking him what’s wrong, and he knows he’s totally messed up, and probably will be forever. He knows what happened was wrong, and has no idea how to deal with it, and questions whether he deserves to live at all.

And now we flash forward to Once. The son has grown up, but he’s still messed up.. and has turned into a criminal. His way of dealing with his problems: Killing hookers.

  I admit it...what's to say  I'll relive it...without pain  backstreet lover on the side of the road  I got a bomb in my temple that is gonna explode  I got a .16 gauge buried under my clothes...I play.

Then we get to the chorus, that seems to call back to the events of Alive:

  Once upon a time I could control myself.  Ooh, once upon a time I could lose myself.  

Second verse, he picks up the hooker, and prepares to kill her

  Oh, try and mimic what's insane.  I am in it...where do I stand?  Indian summer I hate the heat  I got a backstreet lover on the passenger seat  I got my hand in my pocket  so determined.. discreet...I pray.

And now we’ve got the prostitute getting killed: “You think I’ve got my eyes closed? I’ve been looking at you the whole fucking time.“.. And with the deed done, we go back to the chorus. He’s messed up, and he knows he’s messed up, and he knows when it happened.

  Once upon a time I could control myself  Once upon a time I could lose myself.  Once upon a time I could love myself.  Once upon a time I could love you.

Flash forward once again. And we have Footsteps. He’s been caught, and now he’s on death row:

  Don't even think about reaching me. I won't be home.  Don't even think about stopping by. Don't think of me at all.    I did a what I had to do. If there was a reason, it was you.    Aaah, don't even think about getting inside. Voices in my head.  I got scratches all over my arms. One for each day since I fell apart.    I did, oh, what I had to do. If there was a reason it was you.    Footsteps in the hall... It was you.  Oh, pictures on my chest... It was you. It was you...    I did a what I had to do. Oh, and if there was a reason... Oh, there wasn't no reason. no.  And if there's something you'd like to do. Oh, just let me continue to blame you.    A footsteps in the hall... It was you.  Oh, pictures on my chest... It was you.  

I assume the “footsteps in the hall” point to “she walks slowly, across a young man’s room.“.

So that’s that section. there are a number of other songs on the album that are certainly worth talking about. Even Flow ranks high on the list of songs that should be played very loud and very often. I’m assuming just about everyone knows the story of Jeremy… the song still rocks, and the video is one of the best I’ve ever seen. Deep is an interesting song about 3 separate people who are stuck in fairly hellish situations. The first verse visits a drug addict shooting up, the next verse takes us to [I think] a guy contemplating suicide or murder [and then going through with it], and the third verse has a girl either being raped, or just having sex with some guy that doesn’t care about her, and she doesn’t care about. Release deserves mention because it’s just such a good sounding song. Garden and Oceans get nods for being good songs on a album filled with spectacular songs.

That leaves us with 2 songs.. my favorites on the album: Porch and Black. Porch became my favorite Pearl Jam song for quite some time based mainly on one line: “You didn’t leave a message at least I could’ve heard your voice one last time.“. This was around the time that Sarah and I were doing the off again on again thing, and she’d up and just kinda disappear for weeks at a time, and I’m not kewl with that at all. So when you get a song that starts off “What the fuck is this world running to? You didn’t leave a message, at least I could have could’ve heard your voice one last time.” you kinda take take to it.. Well, I did anyway. It’s like when you haven’t talked to someone in a while, and things are going poorly between you, and they finally call the one second you’re not by your phone, and they don’t leave a message.. I hate that a lot. If you’ve ever seen Eddie perform this live.. he goes nuts! He seems legitimately pissed/insane while singing it.. especially during the extended guitar solo… he just goes off and starts trashing stuff… It’s that kind of song.. a perfect “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore” type song.

And now Black. I toss between Rearview Mirror and Black as my favorite Pearl Jam song. Currently, it’s Black. It’s a song of unrequited love.. so go figure I’ve taken to it, eh? The first time I heard this song and really took notice of it was back when I was in high school. At the time, I liked Ten, and Pearl Jam just fine, but they were nothing special. I was far too into R.E.M. to pay too much attention to other bands… but I was watching David Letterman (which is kinda weird, cause I very, very rarely watch Letterman.. as in never. Anyway, I was watching him, perhaps while flipping channels, and Paul was playing a little ditty on the keyboard that sounded familiar.. and David Letterman turned to him and said “hey, I like that.. what is that?”.. or something like that, and all of a sudden Eddie Vedder showed up, and hopped on stage, and the band started up, and he sang these words, which instantly hit me, and remain some of my favorite lyrics of all time…

  I know some day you'll have a beautiful life  I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky.  But why can't it be mine?  

I think that’s my favorite quote from a song ever. In some live versions, he goes on to sing [well, scream, really]: “I don’t think these people understand. We belong together.” I think Black is one of the most beautiful songs ever recorded. A great song about unrequited love… yeah, I listen to it a lot.