So… it’s about 2:45. I can’t sleep. at all. I’ve been trying for a while now.. No luck. Sleeplessness is, of course, not completely unknown to me. At this point, the fact that I attempted to fall asleep before 2 might surprise some. But the fact remains, I am very tired, and I can not sleep. This is the part that hasn’t happened in a while. Ordinarily I simply refuse to go to sleep… I may be in bed at midnight… but something always manages to get my attention, and then hold it for the next one to four hours, leaving me quite tired the next morning…vowing to get a lot more sleep the next evening, when the cycle continues on again ad infinitum. But for the last long while, certainly since Europe at the very least, when I decided it was time to sleep, that was it.. I fell asleep. Not so, today.
I was going to just write a normal blog entry… Maybe finally stick #11 up on the list (It’s currently about half-way done.).. or tell you how I went and saw “Of Mice and Men” performed at Devos Hall this evening with Robb, Swac, and Mandace. I was going to make some remark about how it was the first time all 3 of us roommates were dressed up at the same time since we moved in together:
I was going to do all that.. but quite frankly, I can’t even think that straight, and thinking about anything except the fact that I’m not sleeping is proving kinda hard.
So yes… I can not sleep. Part of it has to do with the fact that once again I am thinking too much about things I can not control. I do that from time to time, though I had very much hoped I had grown out of it. I spent much of High School doing that.. and got very little sleep because of it. The more I think about it, the more I believe it was about 30 seconds after I started liking girls way back when in Cleveland that the whole thing started. It’s amazing I got any sleep at all back then. If I had known then what I know now, I doubt I’d have even bothered having a bed…. Hrm.. that’s sad for two reasons.
So this is one of those blogs that I’ll likely reread in a day or two, and wonder what the hell I was talking about, and why I thought it was a good idea to write down what I was thinking at 3 in the morning. It certainly doesn’t answer any of the questions spinning in my brain. Well, hell, since I’m writing, I may as well go all the way.. You want a window into my head? Here’s a situation for you. I’m trying to sleep, and nothing’s happening.. so I start to think “What can I think about that won’t make me think too much, and won’t make me angry or upset, or sad, or lonely, or anything negative. Sex and girls are right out, because no matter how pleasant the “day”dream starts out, it always eventually reaches the point where I either realizes it’s not real or my fictional self reaches the point of no return, and inevitably tells the fictional girl that “I’m waiting for marriage”. So there’s a question for you: Should I feel proud of my subconscious for sticking true to my moral code? Or should I kick his ass for denying me what may well be the only real pleasure this world is going to offer me. In case you’re wondering, I don’t recall waking up proud ever…
Anyway, so I can’t think about girls, which is a shame, cause that seems to be one of the few things I’m good at. I don’t want to think about work, because, quite frankly, if I’m going to think about work, I want to be getting paid for it. I’d expect that if I was up for 3 hours this evening thinking about work, then next week, I could take a nice nap from 8 am – 11 am. I’m fairly certain I’m not supposed to do that. (certainly not anymore, anyway…)
So works out. Let’s see… what else is there? Thinking about video games makes me feel like a dork. Ditto for TV and movies. If I’m going to think about them, I may as well just watch them.. and I don’t fall asleep when the TV is on. I could think about the past, I guess… But that inevitably makes me sad. Sad, or embarrassed/regretful. I have this uncanny ability to remember events that in one way or another remind me of a personal failure or bad mistake that I’ve made. The memory itself needn’t be bad.. often times it’s pleasant.. but it’s as though my brain is not satisfied until it finds something that it can really grind on. Pleasant memories need not be grinded on.. they’re taken at face value.. I certainly wouldn’t want to change the way those things happened if I had it to do all over again. It’s the mistakes, though.. those are the things I’d do differently.. so what better to let my brain grind on then 1.) What major mistake did I make in relation to memory X? 2.) What would I do differently if I were suddenly transported back to memory X? 3.) Brain replays memory X, substituting the decided course of action for the original… events play out just as before, only worse, one way or another… or events play out just as they had originally, with me unable to alter the events/my actions for one reason or another. Yeah.. my head is a scary place to be late at night.
So what’s got me spinning this evening then? The usual things, I guess.. Different names, but the same ideas.. I got an email from my old girlfriend, Julie… I described it to some as being like this: Imagine you’re at some ritzy dinner party for someone you hate. You’re forced to make conversation with them (not even forced really.. more like you make it a point to be “forced” to make conversation with them), and everything you say sounds very polite and seemingly pleasant…. but both you and the other person know that every word is an attack, and every sentence is chosen to make the other feel like an insignificant ass, while making you look like “the better person”, who has risen above the pettiness of the other. I shouldn’t let it bother me, but it does.. just like everything else. It’s be another thing if I had torn Julie a new asshole on this site or something.. but the truth is I’ve [purposefully] rarely mentioned her, and never really in the context of being negative about her, but about someone else.. usually me. I think perhaps some of my pop culture references were lost on her, as well.. But such is life. I’ve given my rant about taking things out of context already, but here is just another example. I think if she had read my entire site, her email to me would have been different. But nevertheless.. here I am, with an email I can either respond to or ignore…. and all I can think about saying is “you used the word ‘edifying’ incorrectly.”
I was talking to Mandace about it, and she asked me [something like]: “What would you gain by emailing her?” Essentially, what would the point be… [I don’t remember the exact question.. it was a good one though] I couldn’t come up with an answer… I’d like to think that it’d make me feel better to write to her. On the one hand, I could try to be nice and friendly. Smooth out an misunderstandings that might exists, and wish her well on her upcoming wedding…. or I could go off on her, ripping each line of her email to pieces, and making it clear to her that not only did I find that email insulting and petty, but it reminded me of a great number of things I loathed about our relationship…. a relationship others begged me to end months before I did. The former seems like it’s what I ought to do, but it wouldn’t make me happier.. it’d just make me feel like a gutless flake incapable of asserting any real opinions. The latter is unnecessarily cruel, and serves no purpose except to hurt someone else that hurt me. I’ve seen enough evidence in history to know that that approach doesn’t do much good. So I’m left with two choices: I can ignore the email, and let life continue as is, or I can write her back, and say absolutely nothing of substance.
So yeah… an email from the ex… certainly that must be what’s bothering me.. only I know for a fact now that it’s not. It did for a while.. the day I got it… but by the end of the day I had already thought through the whole thing.. drank some beer, talked to some good friends, and realized I didn’t care about that much anyway. [Three cheers for me actually growing as a person in the past few years… that kinda thing would have devastated me back in the day.] Granted, I didn’t realize until I wrote all this out that it no longer bothered me.. but it doesn’t. Hence my tendency to start writing when I’m bothered by something…So if that’s not it… then what? What other things are going on? There’s Church… sigh. I’ve already decided not to write that much about what’s going on at Church right now.. Not because I didn’t find previous discussions helpful (i did indeed, and many thanks to all of you that talked to me about it), but because things are a bit more personal and private now than they were before. Part of it is that now that I’m in council, and privy to more “inside information” I’m not sure what things are public knowledge, and what things aren’t. I’m not too worried that people from my church are checking my site (42% are still too enamored with the lightbulb and horseless carriage to know about computers), but still, it’d be poor judgment on my part to air things in a public forum that ought not to be discussed. The other part is that it’s past the stage where me just up and saying where I’m at and where the church is at will do anything productive (besides give random passers-by a status check on my church and me). It’s really to the point where I need to just talk, one on one, with people I trust, and who know the situation I’m in. Suffice it to say that things are getting more complicated rather than less, but the things I need to do as a result seem clearer… Clearer, but certainly not easier. Anyway, that’s church.. and that’s always in the back of my mind.. but I don’t think that’s what’s bothering me… Mainly because I know what it is I have to do next.. and until I do that, nothing else will change. With the course of action clear, there ought to be nothing for my brain to churn on (besides possible reactions/consequences of said action, I guess) But that’s not what I’m thinking about.
Something has been on my mind for the last few days though: I was recently asked what I was looking for in a girl. I’ve been asked that before, plenty of times… and I always had an answer.. it changed now and then.. usually as the result of bad experiences with some girl that made me alter the specs.. that kinda thing. This time it felt different when I was asked… like the question actually mattered… and I blanked. [Remind me never to run for Miss America… I’d totally bail on the question portion of the competition] Anyway, since then, I’ve been jotting things down… but it’s a hell of a lot harder than I thought… All I keep coming back to is “I want a girl who, after I meet her, I can’t possibly imagine life being complete without being with her”. I dunno.. when I first wrote that down in my notebook, I thought it was kinda nice.. Now it just feels like a cop-out. There was a time when I couldn’t possibly imagine life being complete without being with Sarah… I guess I should add that at some point the feeling should be mutual. I’ve got a decent list of things down in my notebook now.. I will not be sharing them with you.. sorry. Anyway.. It’s 4 am… and I don’t think that question is what’s bothering me either.
I’m turning 25 soon.. that bothers me.. but I’m not losing any sleep over it, I don’t think. I’m told it’ll be fine.. but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get what I wish for.
Enya also failed to work…
I think I’ll just close my eyes, and wait until it’s time for church.