Yesterday I was golfing in my league, and I was on the first hole, and already I was sucking, horribly. And as you might recall, I totally sucked last week. Finally I got fed up with it all, and resolved to not join the league next year, and just screw golf, cause it wasn’t fun anymore… and then I kinda thought about it, and remembered that golf was supposed to be fun. I was paying this money to have a good time, not to be an excellent golfer. Getting better, or golfing well would be nice, certainly, but the main point was to have fun. And for some reason, that thought completely changed my attitude about a lot of things.
A few of you have noted that I haven’t mentioned Deedre in a while, save for a casual reference to a phone conversation here or there. Well I guess that was a bit intentional, as talking about her ends up either making some people uncomfortable, or just making my life more difficult for one reason or another, which is a shame. It’s certainly not because I think about her less, as Christa, Mindy, or Sven could certainly attest. Long story made short: very little has changed. I’m still utterly smitten, and she’s with someone else. Sad situation, really. Well, sad for me, anyway. The only real change is that I’m attempting to meet new people in the hopes that those feelings might lessen, or at least become more manageable. Thus far that, too, has failed miserably.. But at least I’m trying. I’m told it’s a step in the right direction.
I bring that all up for this reason: Today’s her birthday, and for quite some time I’ve been driving myself insane trying to think of something nice to get her. Every time I finally came upon something that would work well, I soon thereafter discovered a reason why it would, in fact, not work well at all. It’s tough, cause Amazon doesn’t have a section for “gifts for the girl you wish you were with but can’t be because she’s with someone else”. Maybe they should, I bet they’d get a lot of business from it. Anyway, endeavors like this tend to always fall apart badly for me, and this one is no different… but back to the golf outing. I’m on that first hole, and I’m not thinking about golf at all, I’m still grinding on what I can do: for Deedre, for her birthday, girls in general, my life, etc.. And I’m getting frustrated, as normal, cause I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. And if you’ve ever played golf, you know that it’s a mental game, and when things get into your head that throw off your rhythm, you’re screwed. So I was sucking at golf, and my solution to the whole giant problem of life, my frustration, and everything, was to not golf anymore. Yeah, I’m a clever one. Why bother blaming the real problem if a minor result of the problem is sitting right there. But then, like I said, I realized that I wasn’t having any fun, and it was supposed to be fun. For the last long while (let’s say 6 months at least), things haven’t been fun, and I think for the most part they haven’t been fun cause I wouldn’t let them be fun. I’m thinking primary of my dealings with women. Be it casual conversations with girls I’ve just met, long conversations late at night about the things closest to my heart, or an evening of Cranium with a house-full of drunken hotties, I have a great time while it’s going on, but afterwards I put so much pressure on myself to make that situation mean something, or lead to something more, that I squeeze any possible joy that could have been associated with that memory. Consequently, I don’t sleep, cause my mind spins all night, and long drives by myself can be fairly aggravating as well. I think about memories like Tressa. There was an extremely fun, beautiful girl that I got to see at least once a week for quite some time, and hang out with for a while, and she seemed genuinely interested in seeing me/us as well. Now when I think about her, it always ends up leading to regret that nothing ever came of it, despite my efforts. There’s always that though “I could have done something differently, and it wouldn’t have happened that way.” Like maybe if I had expressed my interest in Deedre earlier, I’d be with her now. My mind likes to play those games… the “what ifs” and the “if onlys”. They really serve no purpose, beyond making you sad.
So I’d like to say that after that golf course epiphany everything changed, but we all know that’s not realistic. Some things did change, for a little while. I remembered that this was supposed to be fun, and that changed my thinking. I stopped being afraid about certain things. And for a while there, I even had a good idea of something to do for Deedre’s birthday. It all fell apart in typical fashion, but here I am, without a single slit on my wrists. I’d call that an improvement. So it’s a process.. So if you’re wondering: I’m not sad all the time, but I do get frustrated quite a bit. I’m really not depressed, I’m impatient. And with a few (fairly well know) exceptions, I don’t really hate, I just feel like I have no place to stick these positive emotions I’m feeling.
I want things to be fun. Last summer was fun. But I know that simply repeating last summer isn’t enough for me. So my plan: try to relax, and enjoy the good things that life has to offer. Pursue those opportunities that present themselves, but try not to force the things that just aren’t there. And if need be, just tell my heart to sit down and shut up for a while, cause I’ve put up with his whining for way too long.