Listen up, Internet

I’ve officially had enough. I get spammed every day.. a ton of it, and while in the past they used to try to make it look like real email, they don’t even seem to be trying that anymore, going for the sheer bulk of it overwhelming me into submission, I think. Anyway, I’d like to set the record straight, in the hopes that “They” might leave me the hell alone:

Spam Subject titles I’ve received in the past 2 weeks

  • Show Your Patriotism…Support our Troops!

    Me buying a crappy American Flag T-Shirt won’t help our Troops at all. The T-shirts are probably made in China anyway.

  • Improve sexual longevity.

    Right now, the only thing that will improve sexual longevity would be actually having sex. That’s right, 0 plus any other [positive] number will always equal more than 0

  • someone you know is interested in you.

    I say this with a great deal of certainty: NO ONE I know is interested in me. Stop giving me false hope, you heartless bastards.

  • Dear ron, You’ve won!
  • No, no I haven’t. Don’t lie.

  • Protect~Your~Computer~Against~Harmful~Viruses!

    Hrm.. like the crazy tilde virus that struck your machine? Yeah, no thanks.

  • These People Picket Churches; Its About War

    According to this spammer, a large group was about to picket my church to force me [an apparent church leader, later they called me “Pastor”] to rethink my stance on the current war in Iraq, and the occupation of Palestine by the Jews. If they did indeed show up, they’d prolly double the population of my church. Who am I to stop such immediate church growth. Please come, Zeeland is usually right in the center of these kinds of heated political debates.

  • ron Start now you’ll be looking good this this summer.

    Are you saying I’m ugly now? You think I’m fat, don’t you!? Admit it! You hate the way I look.. You hate everything about me. I’m going to go throw up now. Thanks a lot!

  • Powerful jplantq

    This just freaked me out, cause I thought jplant was spamming me… and not just jplant, but a Powerful jplant.

  • I just got a 30 year fixed mortgage at 5.125%.

    I can’t even begin to explain how much I don’t care. The email including the line “I thought you may want to look at it”. I’ve never met you before in my life, William Burton, so don’t you tell me what I would and wouldn’t be interested in.

  • Someone at works likes you.

    Trust me on this one, they don’t.

  • Who is your Daddy and what does he do??

    Arnold, is that you?

  • Never spend on batteries on your flashlight

    Please, please, please tell me it’s not a solar powered flashlight.

  • Wanna be hung like a horse?

    Who says I’m not? And are horses really all that happy? Seems like rabbits are having a better time, but I haven’t been asked if I want to be “hung like a bunny”. Odd.

  • Wish you had lager Breasts

    “Lager Breasts” eh? Breasts made of beer… I can see advantages and disadvantages… No, that’s a lie, I haven’t thought of any disadvantages.

  • Her last lover was bigger than you

    Um.. For a complete stranger, you know an awful lot about my imaginary girlfriend.

  • 1 Acre of land on the moon 29.99

    Actually, that’s a pretty good price for moon land. Plus it comes with a map with an X showing where your land is. I’m going to keep this one.

  • Wendy, Do You suffer from a Small Penis?

    I think I’d be more worried if Wendy suffered from having a penis.

So in closing, to the millions of people out there that think my penis is too small, leave me alone with my shame. To the half a million that think my breasts aren’t big enough, you’re probably right. To the 100,000 that think I own a house and need mortgage help, I don’t. And to the hundreds that think they know who my secret crush is, I’ll let you in on the secret: I started that rumor myself, there is no secret admirer. With that said, I can get back to the crazy emails that I have to deal with for work.

3 thoughts on “Listen up, Internet

  1. I actually know some one who owns an acre of the moon.

    You did not mention any “Christian” email forwards. I find these nearly as irritating as spam.

    These especially include the “saved miraculously by an angel” email.

    I am also annoyed by the pseudo-patriotic emails. And what is really irritating is when they combine the two.

    Of course, I could just be cynical.

    Either way I would prefer the moon acreage.

    • … & thanks to Topher’s re-post, I think I just had a little drop of pee. Just a little bit… oh great — here come the incontinence spam for Canadian-based Depends knock-offs (hopefully not ‘recycled’). It’ll be worth it — nothing like a good Tuesday afternoon laugh-until-you-tear-up moment (had a small tear by the time I reached ‘lager’).

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