So here’s the question: I was at Max and Ermas last night with Swac and Mandace. Swac was driving, and when we were leaving, just as we got into the car, a really cute girl showed up in her car, and parked near us. As she looked over, I looked back and smiled, and she smiled. Mandace made some comment which I casually disregarded, as a girl smiling at you isn’t quite the same as a girl giving you her phone number or anything. But then as she was heading towards the door of the restaurant and we were set to pull out, I looked back at her, and she turned back and gave me another big smile. At this point, what is a guy like me to do? Accept the smile, feel like a kewl guy, and leave (being sure to mention it to as many people that couldn’t possibly give a damn as possible)? Hop out of the car and try to talk to this girl, and accept the inevitable mace/pepper spray in the eyes? Hang out in the Max and Ermas parking lot for the next 2 weeks in the hopes that this girl might return, and then initiate a conversation that would go a little something like this:

Ron: Hi! Remember me? We smiled a couple times a few days ago in this very parking lot.

Girl: Um… No.

Ron: Oh… um… shit!

I posed this question at the Pick yesterday, and the response seemed to be “yeah.. you’ve got nothing.” But I am seriously asking, what is there to do in such a situation that wouldn’t come across as creepy or horribly desperate that still provides at least a slim chance for increased interaction with said girl?

So I’ve been busy… Here’s a little recap:

Friday

Friday was work, like normal. Lunch was out at Ruby Tuesdays.. I had a big meal, and it was good. Then there was work… which was fine. yada yada yada. Afterwards, I headed on home and did some cleaning, and played a little Zelda, until Kristin showed up. She was driving around a snazzy new Saturn Ion, which I must say was quite slick. She then took me out to dinner at Damons, where I devoured a cow, and we hung out for a few hours. She let me drive the car back, and I was again impressed, and then she had to take off. Shortly thereafter I got the call, and I headed off to Mulligans, and met up with Joel, Adam, Tuuk, Jplant, Mark, Dan, Dave, etc., etc.. etc.. and Steve! Yeah, Steve was out from Boston this weekend, and it was great seeing him again. We had quite the group again, and did a lot of standing around for a while, until we grabbed a table. I’ve come to realize that when it comes to talking to girls, I’ve got pretty much nothing. There’s a lot of mumbles and blank looks while I try to think of something that isn’t completely asinine to say. So…. yeah. damnit. I’m also not good at reading if a girl is actually interested in me, or just polite, and more or less stuck where she’s sitting. Either way, I had a good time at Mulligans.

Later on, most of the group headed off to what can best be described as a “hippie party”. Some of us stayed behind for a while and talked, then headed off to meet them. I think the best word to describe that whole experience is “awkward”. Here we were, a sizable group of people, in a house of some people we didn’t know, easy outnumbering every other group much of the time, and rarely intermingling. I could never really tell if the conversations between our group and the hippie group were pleasant conversations, or hostile ones. For my part, I saw and talked to Jordan for a short period of time, and felt good for having branched out from my usual group to talk with someone from “the other side”. But much of the time, it was like watching some complex self-preservation group dynamic all taking place in fast motion. That sentence didn’t make sense, but maybe this picture will help:

It’s kinda like how I picture white blood cells and antibodies and stuff working. You’ve got a foreign element showing up, and so some of the cells head off to check it out, and deal with it, while the rest of the body remains well and strong. Anyway, it was an experience, and I got to spend a little bit more time with Steve, and JHo was there. It was pretty late by the time we took off, and I had to get up early the next morning.

Saturday

Saturday was my friend Jeff Bandstra’s bachelor party day, so Sven and I headed off to the Chicago area early Saturday morning. We made it in plenty of time, and so we hung out at my parents place for a while, and talked with them. In case I’ve not mentioned it before, my parents rule. I think my self deprecating/morose sense of humor used to kinda frighten my mom, but now she seems to laugh along as well, so it’s all good. After a while, Jeff and Josh (“peej”) showed up, and it was off to golf. Golfing seems to be the bachelor party activity of choice, and I’m all for that. I took some pictures [The Pictures Have Been Added] of the entire thing that cover the story pretty well, but in a nutshell: I suck at golf, but I had a really good time. After golf we headed out for a giant meal (another party tradition, I believe), and I got myself a giant Prime Rib (sure I had had one the night before, but man, them things are good!. Oh yeah, just as an FYI, anytime in the past two or three paragraphs, when there’s any sort of punctuation, you can add “beer was consumed”. So we had a huge meal, then headed off to our friend Al’s place for a bonfire………………… It was a good time. In case you weren’t sure, ice makes wonderful projectiles. Sven and I finally took off around midnight or so, and the drive home was tiring, but made more enjoyable by our inevitable games of “If you had to pick…”. Entries in this trips game included “If you had to pick your favorite 5 TV shows of all time”, “If you had to pick the 5 most distinct/memorable/unique characters from a TV show”, “if you had to pick movie sequels that were better than the original”, and “if you had to pick movies that never had sequels made, but should have”.. It amazes me that we’ve not yet run out of questions, cause we’ve been on a lot of trips together, Sven and I, and we’ve played a lot of those kinda games. Once I was home I was pleased, and exhausted, so I fell asleep.

Sunday

I did some cleaning on Sunday, but the fun started in mid afternoon, when I went out and bought a softball bat, and headed to GR to play some softball with Joel, Jplant, Tuuk, Adam, and Mark. It was a good time, and we played for quite a while. Afterwards we headed to Joel and Adam‘s house, where we ordered some pizzas, and sat around eating and drinking on the porch. We were later joined by Adamand Joel‘s neighbor/house-mate girl, Jenny, who provided more free drinks, and a fair amount of entertainment for the rest of the evening. Wow… Once again, I made it home late, and fell asleep after some more time wasted pretending to be productive.

Monday

Started up work again with renewed vigor. I’m realizing how close to June we’re getting, and I want to have a significant project completed before I go on my trip, so it’s time I got my shit in gear… which is easier said than done. Anyway, I wrote out a full plan of attack, and thus far that’s helped out quite a bit. I will say that I love the fact that I’m coding again, and coding in perl and php at the same time is pretty interesting. I’m no longer in the panicky “I hope this works or I’m fubar” stage, and now I’m in the “Okay, what’s the best way to do this part” stage. (if you couldn’t tell, the latter is a much better stage to be in.). So that’s work. Afterwards, it was softball practice again…

Perhaps you’re familiar with the quote from Pulp Fiction: “Pride only hurts, it never helps.“. Whether or not that’s completely true, it certainly must be at least partially true, cause I can recall far too many times in my past where I’ve done things purely out of pride, and they’ve done 0 good, and a lot of bad. I was kinda worn out from a full day of gold Saturday, and a full day of softball Sunday, but I just love baseball/softball, so if and when I get a chance to play, I’m going to play all out, every single time. Well, within a few minutes of practice starting, I was throwing to first (admittedly far too hard) and I heard and felt a pop in my elbow, and it hurt like hell. So rather than, oh I don’t know, taking it kinda easy the rest of practice, I just kept going, and it continued to hurt like hell the entire time. By the end of practice, I was kinda worried I had done something bad to my arm, but when I woke up this morning it was fine, so good deal. I’ve learned no lesson, and will likely find a way to get myself killed sometime soon. Anyway, practice was excellent, I still love softball, and I have a feeling I’m once again going to rely on running as fast as I can 100% of the time to make up for my lack of hitting power. My brother, Jeff, and nephew Steven showed up to watch the practice, and it was great seeing them. And Steve was there, and took some pictures which I hope to get my hands on sometime in the future.

After practice we (Jplant, Tuuk, Adam, Joel, Steve, and Myself) headed to Max and Ermas for dinner. The food was good, but we’ve been starting to lag behind in the “attractive female server” department. I blame Jplant.. I’m convinced he jinxed us.

Tuesday

Today was good. Work went well. Afterwards I finally got some long overdue laundry done (our machine had been broken, and the piles of clothes in my room were approaching safety hazard heights. Then it was off to Max and Ermas with Swac and Mandace. Annie was our server, and we like her. She asked about Tressa, and did a good job of displaying that charm and friendliness that initially attracted me to the restaurant in the first place. (Charm and Friendliness –> She’s a hottie who made conversation with me that didn’t begin with “When my boyfriend gets here..” or end with “…and so I think you should leave now.“) So I’ll have to remember Tuesdays as being good going-out-to-dinner days.

So that was my week, now some random ranting:

I cut my hair last Thursday, and I cut it too short. So on Saturday, when I was out golfing, the top of my head got burned, and it still hurts.

I got an email at work the other day that said essentially this [all in caps, of course]: “YOUR WEBSITE SHOULD HAVE THIS [fairly obscure piece of information] BECAUSE I NEED IT FOR MY HOMEWORK. PEOPLE ONLY COME TO YOUR SITE FOR THIS [fairly obscure piece of information]. IF YOU DO HAVE IT, IT SHOULD BE MORE OBVIOUS.“. I wish this was the first time I’d gotten something like this… What struck me as funny was the line “People only come to your site for this”. One would think the name BibleGateway would imply that people might come to the site in order to read the Bible. But what do I know? I just work here…

So I don’t know if I missed an announcement or what, but apparently, drivers are no longer letting people go ahead of them, ever. Example 1: You’re at a stop light, and need to get over one lane quickly to get to the on-ramp to the highway. You have your blinker on while waiting, and when the light turns green, the cars in front and along side you speed along, as expected. The car behind you, in the lane you wish to merge into (after clearing the intersection) gets a late jump, and will then slam the accelerator when he or she sees you (at least a full car-length ahead of him or her) starting to merge over. Example 2: You’re on the on ramp to get onto the highway. There’s a pickup truck in the entrance lane (slow lane), and there is no one in the fast lane. Apparently the rule is now that the truck is to match your speed the entire time, and force you to slam on the brakes and whip behind him when your lane runs out. Example 3: The famous one. Two cars traveling the exact same speed (63 in a 70, lets say.) will stay along-side each other for miles while the lineup behind the fast lane car grows exponentially. Opportunities for the car to move to the other lane are casually ignored, forcing 1 or 2 lucky souls toward the front of the line to make the daring zig-zag dash around the cars, and on toward freedom. Now I’ve long ago come to accept the fact that 98% of women won’t let you in front of them, or ever wave people through. They just don’t. Many never even notice, completely oblivious to anything but the cell phone conversation that seems to necessitate the use of both of their hands. [one to hold the phone, the other to gesture wildly] Plenty of other women drivers are just bitches. Guys, on the other hand, seem to see it all as a competition, and the idea of just letting someone “win” is abhorrent to them. For my part, so long as you haven’t been a complete dickhead, I’ll let you go ahead. If you’ve just done something that only a jackass would do, then you’ll have to wait, otherwise, go for it. And then give me my damn thank you wave. I’ve earned it. If you’re not sure if it deserves one or not, give it anyway.. It’s not that hard to do, and the person will appreciate it. And if they don’t, who cares? You’re in front of them now anyway. Oh, and if you’re driving a Pontiac, just do us all a favor and drive yourself into a ditch. Oh yeah, and cops, you get the finger too.

Have I alienated everyone yet? No? I hate children and the elderly! That should take care of it. Anyway, yeah, that’s that. It’s around 3:30, so I should sleep. Stay tuned as this site continues its transformation from Better Off Dead to Misery.

Yesterday was our first softball practice. It was excellent. My favorite moment: hitting a slap-shot liner at Tuuk‘s nuts.

I finally broke down and bought the monitor Thursday.. Well, here’s what happened. Joel mentioned wanting to get a flat panel monitor, so we went to Best Buy to look at them. There was one left, on sale for $350, so I grabbed it, thinking “I should just buy it, it’s lovely, and cheap, and I need it.” I’ve again grown dissatisfied with my current room set up, so I’d like to rearrange everything, and make it look a bit classier, and thus, I need a snazzy black flat panel to help out that look. Whatever… I wanted it, so I bought it. Way to go me!

I also purchased the first two seasons of Family Guy. We watched a few episodes last night, and I had kinda forgotten that this shows was (and still is) one of the funniest creations man has made. I got to talk to Deedre on the phone for a while, which was excellent, as always. I like it when someone can know exactly what gestures, mannerisms, and facial expressions I’m making when all they have to go on is my voice. There’s just something nice and comforting about that. Hrm… You know, sometimes I wonder if I’m not so much a unique person, and more just a jumbled conglomeration of other people’s phrases and mannerisms. I guess there’s really not all the much that’s new under the sun anyway, may as well copy the good stuff… Anyway. Later on, I started watching the Stars vs. Ducks, as Christa is a Dallas fan… and that game went into a 5th overtime before the Ducks scored. Now, I’m not a huge hockey fan, but I will say that 5 periods worth of “any second could be the end of the game” is pretty entertaining. Now, if only there was less ice skating and pucks, and more base running and pitching involved, it might be a wonderful sport.

I was looking at sites the other night, and ran across some random guys blog that had a few interesting questions on it, so I blatantly ripped them off, and will answer them now:

1. If you had the chance to meet someone you’ve never met, from the past or present, who would it be?

   I’m supposed to say Jesus, right? That’d be interesting. I’d like to meet Tom Cavanagh or Conan O’Brien, as both seem like they’d be a ton of fun to hang out with. Hrm… wait a minute. Why not Julie Bowen, Julia Stiles, or Ashley Williams? Come to think of it, I’d like to meet Christa face to face at some point, with the hopes that such an encounter wouldn’t permanently scar her.

   I couldn’t really think of that many people from history that I’d care to meet. Either I don’t think they’d be fun to hang out with, I wouldn’t have anything to say, or I fear that my vision of them could only be tainted/destroyed by witnessing the true person. Like there’s no way Abraham Lincoln can be as Christ-like in real life as he seem to be touted as being in the classroom. Douglas Adams might be a good one. I guess if I’m going to spend time with someone, I’d want to be sure I was going to have a good time. I can learn about events and people by reading a book or watching the History Channel. Some time with Michael Stipe, Eddie Vedder, or Trent Reznor would be pretty slick too…

   Final answer: Conan O’Brien.

2. If you had to live in a different century, past or future, which would it be?

   If I knew then what I know now, it’s have to be the future, cause I wouldn’t be able to deal with some of the comforts of present day life. (like sanitation, good medicine, and Zelda.) I’d probably shoot for a bit into the future, assuming mankind isn’t conquered by a evil alien race, or it’s some sort of post-apocalyptic Waterworld type reality. (We would have also accepted : 12 Monkeys, Planet of the Apes, Terminator, Mad Max, The Matrix,and Star Trek: First Contact). Put me right around Season 4 or 5 of Star Trek The Next Generation, and I’d be good with that.

   Final answer : 2368 (and yes, that is Season 5 of TNG..)

3. If you had to move anywhere else on Earth, where would it be?

   Assuming it were for only a year or so, I’d say a big city like New York or Chicago. If it were for a longer period of time, maybe somewhere near Chicago, but not actually in the city itself. If it were for 6-9 months or so, then something like Australia would be spiffy.. too much longer than that, and I’d get sick of it, I think. Kangaroos and koalas are only kewl for so long, I’m guessing.

   Final answer: Chicago

4. If you had to be a fictional character, who would it be?

   I’m Ed. If the question means that I would suddenly gain all the attributes of that person, then it’d be a toss-up between Ed, Han Solo, and Batman.

   Final answer: Ed

5. If you could be employed (and good at) any job, what would it be?

   Professional baseball player. Shortstop, for the Cubs. No question.

Well, at the very least, that filled up some space, and gave people a new comment page to fill up. Have at it.

Five takes on the picture:

1. The original take

   The first time I saw the picture, I interpreted it as this: The being on the left is the guy, the being on the right is the girl. The girl is feeling sad and alone, unloved, and unnoticed. (Arms crossed, staring down, face and body language all suggest a dejected, despondent mood.) The guy comes along, and offers her his heart, though cautiously and somewhat furtively. It’s this moment that the picture captures, the instant before the girl notices. One can only hope that once she does, it will instantly overwhelm the loneliness and isolation she feels, and her enthusiastic acceptance will fuel the spark of confidence that barely managed to get the guy this far. I saw it as a happy picture, with two people about to finally get what they’ve wanted… But then why is it black and white? This one of very few pictures on explodingdog.com that’s in black and white, and there must be a reason. From this interpretation, I’d say it’s in black and white because the moment hasn’t yet happened… it’s about to change into color, the moment she notices him standing there, with heart outstretched. (Kinda like the part in Wizard of Oz where suddenly She’s in Oz, and everything is in color.)

2. The reaction take

   As is often the case, when I find something to be happy or optimistic, I soon thereafter find reasons for it to really be the complete opposite. This picture is no different. My next interpretation was this: The guy has offered the girl his heart, and she’s refused, and is still upset (because the situation is awkward? Maybe she’s still feeling lonely, just doesn’t dig this guy at all… or is still pining after some asshole that she knows isn’t what she wants but still chases after cause she’s a girl and that’s what girls do.) Whatever it is, she’s upset, but doesn’t want this guy. Meanwhile, the guy is stuck. He’s offered his heart, and got shot down hardcore, and there’s really no way to recover from that that doesn’t involve advanced time travel or something sharp and pointy. So he stands, with heart outstretched. She doesn’t want it, and he can’t take it back. He’s screwed, the poor bastard. Everything is just shades of gray.

3. The revised reaction take

   After some time, I decided I didn’t like that interpretation, because neither person appeared pissed at each other. The guy doesn’t appear mad as much as confused or cautious. Perhaps the girl hasn’t rejected him, but simply hasn’t accepted (yet? We can hope..) She could be playing hard to get… but if she is, she’s evil, and all girls should stop doing that from now on. (can’t you see it’s killing the guy inside!? Heartless bastards.) Perhaps there are circumstances beyond his control, or in her mind, beyond her control, that prevent her from accepting it. (The possibilities are endless… fear, she’s been forbidden by her parents, she’s stuck with some guy, she’s married? She’s dying. She doesn’t think she deserves him. He’s got a girlfriend, and she knows about it. He’s married? Religion forbids it? She’s about to leave on a 5 year mission to Mars, and he needs to be married within 6 months or he’s getting kicked out of the country.. all valid possibilities.) Whatever it is, the guy hopes that remaining there with heart outstretched, he might eventually win her over… or he’s sick of playing the game, and is going all or nothing: “Here’s my heart, take it or leave it, but this hard to get shit is growing old.” Color would just seem too cheery for a moment that’s filled with so much potential failure/destruction.

4. The teenager take

   Perhaps it was just me, but I kinda assume that when you’re a teenager, you have no idea what it is you’re supposed to be doing about 90% of the time. The other 10% you’re suffering the consequences for not knowing what you were supposed to be doing the night before, and you’re pretty sure you’re just supposed to sit there and pretend it doesn’t bother you. Well, another interpretation I had of the picture is this: Neither one of them knows what they want. The guy thinks he loves her, but he doesn’t know what love is. So he offers her his heart, all the while wondering if this is what he’s supposed to do, or if this is even what he wants to do, or if he’s just doing it cause he thinks he’s supposed to. Constantly contemplating pulling it back, he stands with his heart outstretched, waiting for some sort of confirmation that this was the right thing, or that he had, in fact, completely screwed up again. Meanwhile, she doesn’t know what she wants, or what she should do. So she just sits and thinks… Maybe hoping that the moment will pass and she won’t have to make a decision, or some answer will be handed to her. So both just stand there awkwardly.

5. The return take

   Not really a full fledged thought, more of a possibility: They’re breaking up. He’s giving the heart back to her that she had given to him sometime before. She’s sad and dejected, and he feels bad, and isn’t sure what to do, or if this is the right thing… She stands with arms crossed, kinda refusing to take it back. The title would be more of a pleading from the girl, or meant to be ironic.

So there you have it. What one do I think is most accurate? I dunno. But when I look at the picture, I still feel the 1st one right away. It could be that’s just what I want to feel, and the picture doesn’t matter as much, but there you have it. With a title like “I love you, I love you, I love you” how can you not help but want it to be a happy picture? Well, unless your heart is filled with poison.

I’ve resolved to try to post something every day from no on. Not the usual über posts I tend to write while pondering what size the exit wound in the back of my skull would be, though those will still undoubtedly happen. But just something.. as I usually have something [retarded] to say, but choose not to, as it doesn’t fit into a larger framework of whining and self-loathing.

First, a question: Does this picture strike you as being happy or sad? So as to not taint or bias you one way or another, I’ll say nothing about it, yet.:

Second, check this out:

I’m not positive, but I think that would hurt a lot.

Third, and finally, I got an email yesterday from a woman I’ve never met. Now, I’ve gotten 3 or 4 emails from people I’ve never met who read my site and wanted to say something or other, but this one was different. She had run across my site somehow, and after some exploring, wrote to me, calling me both “pretty interesting” and “pretty attractive“. Though she gave her name, I’m thinking it was either a false name to cover her true identity, or one of my roommates went through an awful lot of trouble to cause me pain. Both seem equally likely. The email also said “[I] cannot believe that you don’t make easy work of finding chicks to date.” which I thought was quite a nice thing to say… until my brain got a hold of it, and worked on it for a while… Now I’m thinking that though I’ve [apparently] been given a number of advantages over your average, run of the mill loser, I still manage to fail completely, and now have fewer outside factors to blame it on. Regardless (no, not irregardless), that email completely made my week… which I guess isn’t saying much, since it was Monday, but still, I thank Trisha for taking the time to make some dork she’s never met feel better about himself for a little while.

Ever have it where there’s a million things running around in your head, and you’re convinced you want to get them all written down, but then when you finally get the chance to write them, you realize those most profound ideas are little more than : “girls are pretty”, “beer is good”, and “I am a complete and utter moron sometimes”.. [the first being a lot more prevalent than the other two.] Anyway, I still feel like there’s something on my mind, so I’ll write until it comes out, or I fall asleep.

Before I begin, Go Cubs!. Sweetness.

Recapping the more important events of the past week. Wednesday was euchre and fast scrabble at Sven and Julie’s. How is that important? It’s not, really, but shut up. Thursday was work from home day, and I manages to wake up early, which was impressive. (early is 7 am on Thursday.. I usually shoot for 8.) The plan was to get work done early, so I could blow the rest of the day on Zelda. So I got my work done, played some Zelda, but my POD came Thursday as well, and that thing is lovely. When it came, I felt the need to fix one of my older guitars that was more or less dead. Some electrical tape, some earphones wire, and a lot of “questionable wiring” later, I’ve got myself another working guitar. The POD is a slick distortion box thinger that Jay introduced me to, and it is really nice.

Ended up at Max and Ermas twice on Thursday, with Mindy and her friend for lunch, then Josh, Robb, Mike, and Dusty for dinner. More card games that evening. Played some Zelda, but not much. There were about 4 things I was stuck on, all at the same time, and it was really starting to piss me off [moreso because Joel had gotten well past these parts seemingly without difficulty quite some time ago]. I resolved to get farther sometime Friday.

Friday night I got a hold of Joel, and he, Tuuk, and I went to Logans for dinner. Our waitress, Tricia, was most likely Aphrodite, down from Mount Olympus. She wished us a pleasant evening, and hoped we’d come back sometime soon. I think we should. Afterwards, it was off to Mulligans Pub. I like the word “Pub”. It feels… like old school Boston or something. It seems classier than “bar” anyway. Heh… the place itself, on the other hand… Anyway, Mulligans was packed, and we had a decent sized group. There was a inebriated/belligerent guy who said he’d give up his table if we bought his table all drinks.. and when we didn’t, he swore a lot. He was not amusing. So we hung out there for a while, and I met a girl that seemed to not hate me, which was nice. So hopefully I’ll get to see her again, which pretty much guarantees that I won’t.

Speaking of which, things have been weird lately. Weird good. After well over a year of pretty much nothing, multiple women have shown at the very least mild interest in me. It’s a good thing. Watching myself dick up all of these possibilities ought to be amusing to the outside observer.

Saturday’s weather was excellent! Sven and I went to the driving range, and I confirmed that I have no real clue how to swing a golf club consistently. That evening it was off to Founders to hear Jonathan’s band play. It was quite good, and I got a mention (the “eat when I’m hungry, I’ll drink when I’m dry [drink when I drive]” song. It was excellent. Man I like that song.). Made it home late, played some more Zelda, then headed off to sleep.

Today was Easter service, and Kristin came with me. It was excellent… turns out we aren’t good people. Afterwards it was dinner at Jeff and Rebecca and Steven’s place. Her family was in town. It went well. Afterwards, it was Zelda much of the late afternoon, then Swac‘s family came over, and I hung out with then (+ Robb) for a while. There, you’re caught up.

Have you seen the commercials/trailer for the new Matrix movie? Um… that looks fan-freaking-tastic. I tend not to get too excited about that many movies, with the exception of Star Wars/Trek, Lord of the Rings, and Kevin Smith movies, but this one… wow. I’m a big fan of the original, but I had to be won over, as I thought the preview/commercials looked stupid. Those that dismiss it as a special effects driven shallow plotless story should be stoned in the city square. My brother and I were talking about this today: They’ve taken 2 or 3 of the main Fantasy/Sci-Fi themes, and managed to tell them in a new and really interesting/original way:

1. The Messiah/Christ story: A prophesied “one” appears, and fulfills his/her destiny by saving the world/galaxy form ultimate evil that no one else is capable of defeating [e.g. Star Wars]
2. The fear of the world being overrun/taken by sentient machines: Man’s undoing by his own creations. Machines become too smart, turn on their makers, and pretty much kill them all off, or make them slaves. [e.g. The Terminator series.. speaking of which, T-3 ought to be good too.]
3. The fake universe: The world that you see around you isn’t real, or isn’t your world. [e.g The 13th floor, or any of the Star Trek episodes where someone has a goatee]

Anyway, I like the Matrix, and this new one looks like it’s going to be sweeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeet!

There’s this hostess at Max and Ermas, Sara (she short, cute brunette, not the hot taller blond). Every time she seats us, she asks if it’s the first time we’ve been there, and if there’s a special reason we’re there. I know the hostesses are supposed to say that and all, but she’s seen me many times. Hell, I’ve been there more than she has, I think. She shouldn’t be asking if it’s my first time there, and at this point, I think we can assume that I don’t have any special occasions. Then again, all she has to do is smile and say “Have a nice night” and I love her again. Being a guy sucks.

I lock the door to my bathroom even when I’m the only one home. Is that weird?

I was talking to Andy a little while ago, and we came to the agreement that, while for the most part musicians aren’t geniuses by any stretch, we would grant some people “moments of clarity” when they are capable of channeling true genius through their art. It’s this “moment of clarity” that I want to talk about (Moment of Clarity –> Those moments in life when suddenly everything seems to make sense, and you understand why things are a certain way, or why you behave the way that you do.). Saturday afternoon, I was watching CSPAN-2, and there was this author, Sarah Vowell, giving a talk/Q and A session. Sarah has done a LOT of This American Life segments for NPR, so I recognized her voice instantly. So I started watching, and she’s excellent. She was reading some of the things she had written, and she is so eloquent, so clever, so funny, and so charming.. She made me embarrassed to so clumsily use the same language. (it should be noted at this point that she also made me instantly think of Steve, who so wisely introduced me to This American Life a few years ago. Thanks Steve!) So I was listening to her, and was awed at just how much I enjoyed listening to her talk, and I resolved to read all her books, and listen to all her This American Life segments… and it all just kinda hit me: This is what I always do, and this is what drives me insane! There’s just too much in this life to do.. too much I want to see, feel, experience, know, appreciate, collect, visit, etc.. The line from American Beauty runs through my head quite often, and I think it’s sound advice that I’m still incapable of taking:

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me… but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst…

And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life…

There’s just too much… and sometimes I get really frustrated that I’m not taking advantage of it all, or I feel like I’m not doing enough to experience it all… or I’m falling behind schedule or something. No matter what I do, it feels like I’m not doing all that I’m supposed to be doing, and because of that, I’ll be missing out on something. So I don’t sleep, because I’m afraid I’ll miss something. I try to get everything… and then I get frustrated and overwhelmed because there’s just too much, and I stay in bed, and hide from it all, and get depressed and scared and sad. I still haven’t learned to just appreciate the things life has to offer.. I’m too busy bemoaning the fact that I’m probably missing something.

I’ve officially had enough. I get spammed every day.. a ton of it, and while in the past they used to try to make it look like real email, they don’t even seem to be trying that anymore, going for the sheer bulk of it overwhelming me into submission, I think. Anyway, I’d like to set the record straight, in the hopes that “They” might leave me the hell alone:

Spam Subject titles I’ve received in the past 2 weeks

• Show Your Patriotism…Support our Troops!

  Me buying a crappy American Flag T-Shirt won’t help our Troops at all. The T-shirts are probably made in China anyway.

• Improve sexual longevity.

  Right now, the only thing that will improve sexual longevity would be actually having sex. That’s right, 0 plus any other [positive] number will always equal more than 0

• someone you know is interested in you.

  I say this with a great deal of certainty: NO ONE I know is interested in me. Stop giving me false hope, you heartless bastards.

• Dear ron, You’ve won!

No, no I haven’t. Don’t lie.

• Protect~Your~Computer~Against~Harmful~Viruses!

  Hrm.. like the crazy tilde virus that struck your machine? Yeah, no thanks.

• These People Picket Churches; Its About War

  According to this spammer, a large group was about to picket my church to force me [an apparent church leader, later they called me "Pastor"] to rethink my stance on the current war in Iraq, and the occupation of Palestine by the Jews. If they did indeed show up, they’d prolly double the population of my church. Who am I to stop such immediate church growth. Please come, Zeeland is usually right in the center of these kinds of heated political debates.

• ron Start now you’ll be looking good this this summer.

  Are you saying I’m ugly now? You think I’m fat, don’t you!? Admit it! You hate the way I look.. You hate everything about me. I’m going to go throw up now. Thanks a lot!

• Powerful jplantq

  This just freaked me out, cause I thought jplant was spamming me… and not just jplant, but a Powerful jplant.

• I just got a 30 year fixed mortgage at 5.125%.

  I can’t even begin to explain how much I don’t care. The email including the line “I thought you may want to look at it”. I’ve never met you before in my life, William Burton, so don’t you tell me what I would and wouldn’t be interested in.

• Someone at works likes you.

  Trust me on this one, they don’t.

• Who is your Daddy and what does he do??

  Arnold, is that you?

• Never spend on batteries on your flashlight

  Please, please, please tell me it’s not a solar powered flashlight.

• Wanna be hung like a horse?

  Who says I’m not? And are horses really all that happy? Seems like rabbits are having a better time, but I haven’t been asked if I want to be “hung like a bunny”. Odd.

• Wish you had lager Breasts

  “Lager Breasts” eh? Breasts made of beer… I can see advantages and disadvantages… No, that’s a lie, I haven’t thought of any disadvantages.

• Her last lover was bigger than you

  Um.. For a complete stranger, you know an awful lot about my imaginary girlfriend.

• 1 Acre of land on the moon 29.99

  Actually, that’s a pretty good price for moon land. Plus it comes with a map with an X showing where your land is. I’m going to keep this one.

• Wendy, Do You suffer from a Small Penis?

  I think I’d be more worried if Wendy suffered from having a penis.

So in closing, to the millions of people out there that think my penis is too small, leave me alone with my shame. To the half a million that think my breasts aren’t big enough, you’re probably right. To the 100,000 that think I own a house and need mortgage help, I don’t. And to the hundreds that think they know who my secret crush is, I’ll let you in on the secret: I started that rumor myself, there is no secret admirer. With that said, I can get back to the crazy emails that I have to deal with for work.

Hrm.. My automagic “Get the Cubs and Indians Scores” dealie failed last night, because it didn’t know how to deal with the Cubs being in 1st place ( and therefore not at least 0.5 games behind). That’s kinda sad, and yet, pretty funny. Fortunate that it’s early in the season, or that little bug could’ve gone the entire season without being noticed.

I highly doubt any of this one will seem coherent. Oh well.

This past week was interesting… and a good interesting. I’m not going to recap it day by day, because that always brings to mind just how pathetic my memory is. I’ll just mention some of the highlights:

Had a meeting for the new softball team, featuring Tuuk, Adam, Mark, Joel, Jplant, and myself. It’s going to rule. Afterwards, Jplant, Tuuk, Joel, and I headed off to Max and Ermas for dinner. I was reprimanded by the server (some guy.. I don’t like him) for putting cream and sugar in my coffee.

Thursday was a good day… a very good day. I got my Tux [for the wedding that weekend], met gorgeous women, even managed to not look like a complete tool in front of at least one of them, I hope. Hung out with my brother, Jeff, and my nephew much of the evening. It was a lot of fun.

Friday was the wedding rehearsal for Kenton and Selena’s wedding. Kenton has been one of my best friends since 8th grade. Afterwards, it was off to Beachwood Inn for dinner. First it was salads, then they showed up with a plate of chicken, so I grabbed some, and some potatoes, and vegetables, and onion rings, and breaded mushrooms, and bread. A full meal, for sure. Then they showed up with a plate of beef. I thought “Ok, we get a choice of chicken or beef.. well that beef looks good, so I’ll have both. It’ll be a big meal, but oh well.” So I took some beef. Then they showed up with ribs. At this point, there was enough food to feed a small country. I took some ribs. Then they showed up with a plate full of ham. Now there was enough to feed all of civilization. I took some ham. That meal was good! After dinner, I rushed home, and caught the majority of Ed, and it was grand. I hope they don’t cancel the show, but if they do, at least it ended with a completed storyline.

Saturday I woke up early, and headed off to Sven‘s place to wash my car. Then it was off to Kenton’s wedding. I have pictures to describe that whole thing. I used to think it was weddings that depressed me, but I’m pretty sure it’s receptions that do it. That having been said, Kenton and Selena’s wedding was really, really nice, and I was very glad/honored to be a part of it. And I had a really good time at the reception too (Selena’s brothers are really good guys.) The drive home, and being home afterwards were where the depression ans self loathing snuck in. Amaretto came in handy.

Anyway, I’m exhausted, so that’s all I’m going to say for now. It was a good week, for the most part, with a few disappointments. I’m kinda excited about this week, too.

So this past weekend was interesting. Want to hear it? Here it go:

Friday: As you know, Friday is Ed, and I am all about Ed. So I was in a good mood Friday, cause Ed was gonna be on. I had talked to Cathy when she was over earlier in the week, and she said she’d be coming over to watch with us Friday night, so that was an added bonus. So on the ride in to work Friday, Cathy called, and wanted to know if it was okay if she brought some of her nurse friends. Yes.. Yes, that would be just fine. Fridays we typically go out to eat for lunch [much to the dismay of some people who find me to be a ruthless dictator when it comes to lunchtime activities.], so we went off to Pizza Hut, which was a good time. Those cinnamon sticks with icing they have.. those things are good! Work finally ended, and we headed on home. I got home, and Robb was home, and then Cathy and her friends came over. They brought with them a lot of food. We decided to watch The Game, so I had to quick head off to Mindy’s place to get it (it was still in her DVD player). We started it up, and after about 20 minutes or so, the power went out. All was dark, except for our fireplace. We waited for it to come back on, but it didn’t. After a while, it dawned on me that Ed would be on soon, and I started calling people, hoping someone would tape it for me. [for the record, I think 5 people did. Thanks!] So Stacy and Cathy headed to Stacy’s place to see if there was power (she lived nearby), and Robb and I tried to get some good Cathy at the hospital stories while she was gone. Then the power came back on. We watched a bit of Ed (it was maybe around 9:30), and Cathy called, and we convinced them to come back over to our place. Shortly after they returned, the power went out again. We sat around in the dark and talked for a while, then Swac came home, and we played games (Rapid Recall and Scattergories), and heard all about the fun times at the hospital. Here’s the deal: I never, ever, ever want to go to a hospital. Apparently, the people there are messed up something awful. With things swelling to unusual sizes, blood gushing out in every direction, and feces permanently staining tile floors.. Yeah, um… No thanks, just let me die. The girls left sometime after one, and the power came on near 2 I think. I’m hoping we get to hang out with them again sometime soon, cause they were a lot of fun.. Certainly the best Friday evening I’ve had in quite some time. And that was all the blackout that I had to deal with. Long enough to be fun and exciting, but short enough not to be annoying or cold. Made for a quality evening as well, as it forced us to actually talk to each other the entire evening, rather than just gaze blankly at the same screen for hours. I’m all for watching movies with people, but not as a substitute for actually getting to know them. So yeah, thank you, Ice Storm, for making my Friday evening even better.

I was up late Friday night. And for me to say it was late ought to mean something, cause my normal is most people’s late. It was worth it.

Saturday morning I woke up at 7, got ready,and headed off to Holland. Well, first, I spent a half an hour trying to get into my car, which was completely encased in ice. It looked amazing, but it also pissed me off, cause it was making me late. Finally I made it to Holland, where I met up with my friend, Kenton (Dino), and the other guys involved with Dino’s wedding this coming Saturday. For his bachelor party, we were going to go paintballing, and I was jazzed. I’ve not been paintballing in about 6 or 7 years. The last time I went was with Dino and a bunch of our High School friends. There’s one particular incident that is remembered by all who attended that fateful day. A bit of foreshadowing first:

1. I am a fairly jumpy person
2. Pain rarely frightens me, but the perception of impending pain scares me quite a bit. It’s odd, I know.
3. It times of extreme strain or stress, my ability to discern is severely impaired.(severely impaired –> I become a freaking moron.)

The Incident

We had played a series of games indoors that day, and I had faired alright: a few deaths, a few kills. Average. We started playing outside, and had divided into teams to play capture the flag. My team was stationed near the building, and I was put in charge of guarding the flag. (I was the camper…). I took my job seriously, but I took even more seriously the threat that at any moment, their entire team could come running out, and I would be in for a world of hurt. Thus, I was on high alert, and the slightest movement did not escape my eye. Somehow, my teammate, Ryan, had snuck back to my position, and was walking behind me (presumably to lend a hand in guarding the flag). When I finally heard the footsteps, I immediately turned and fired, shooting him right in the chest at a fairly close distance. He was both stunned, and injured, though not severely. After some choice words eluding to a fictitious sexual incident involving myself and my mom, Ryan decided to head in to the building to refill his paint, and I resumed my guard duty. I did apologize profusely, but I felt somewhat justified, as I had been guarding the flag, and he gave no warning to his presence. Time passed, and I managed to pick off one enemy as he approached our flag. I was feeling more confident… then it happened. I heard the enemy approaching from behind, and knew I had to act fast. So I spun around, and in one quick motion aimed and fired. It was a direct hit.. right in Ryan’s crotch… from no more than 5 feet away. One high pitched yelp later, he was on the ground, in obvious pain. At that point, both teams came out of their hiding spots and approached the scene with caution… Ryan lay flopping occasionally, like a fish ready to call it quits. I stood with my barrel still smoking, ready to put it to my temple and just be done with it. Days later, Ryan informed me that he had pissed blood. Looking back on it now, that’s incredibly funny.

So we started up our paintball outing inside, and the first round did not go well. My team of 5 got stuck in one of the back rooms early on, and when we sent a few troops through, they all got knocked down instantly. Finally, it was just me and one other guy left, so we fortified ourselves in a room and defended it until time ran out. I was determined not to get stuck in the same position again, but I still feared the sting of that first kill shot I would certainly receive. Hence my first game’s performace… So the second game we started by making a mad dash for the center, determined not to get stuck in a back room. I managed to get a nice position behind a defensive fence just in time to watch an enemy line me up and shoot me dead. RIP in about 20 seconds. Most impressive. It didn’t hurt that bad, and I was starting to feel more daring (Daring –> When in reference to situations involving women or public speaking read as: bold. When in reference to situations where I have a gun of some sort, read as: damned fool.). Next we played terrorist: 2 people plant a bomb in the building, and the remaining (7) “FBI agents” have to find the bomb, and get it out of the building before time runs out. The terrorists were given time to hide themselves so they could defend the bomb until time was up. It was extremely fun. I was an FBI agent both times, and you really got the feeling like you were cops or soldiers or something, with the talking with your hands, giving orders to others, shooting terrorists with guns. That kinda thing. I managed to shoot a terrorist (Brian) through a narrow (2 inch) opening from at least 50 feet away, and have thus earned the right to brag about it right here and now. It was excellent. So we managed to get the bomb out both times (Yours truly exiting with bomb in hand for round one.) While escaping in round two, I followed behind the guy with the bomb, and another FBI guy mistook me for a terrorist and started firing (with his fully automatic gun) and … You know that feeling you get way down deep in your stomach you get when you realize you’ve completely screwed up.. like you woke up late and your exam is already over, or you forgot to pick your grandma up from the airport, or you’re about to run into a Saab with your crappy car? Imagine that feeling, mixed with the expectation of horrible pain in unknown locations, and you’ve pretty much captured the split second between me hearing the gun fire, and me darting out of the way. I was quite pleased that none of the shots hit me, but at least another 7 years of my life are now gone (that puts me down to about 27, I believe).

The next game was president, where two body guards have to escort the president in through one door and out the other without dying. To die, they had to be shot twice, and the president had to be hit 2 times in the head or chest. We sucked it up, and they made it out no problem (I never even saw them, actually). But after that, we decided to head outside, and that’s when it started to get really fun. It had been cold, wet, and rainy Friday, and there were giant puddles everywhere. By now I had completely transformed from my original Sweetchuck persona to my Tackleberry persona. We stayed outside for the rest of the day, playing capture the flag (one flag, positioned in the center) most of the time. By the end I was diving, rolling, and skidding around like a complete fool. I took one memorable leap into a puddle at least a foot deep (hence the jeans) that seemed to amuse and confuse both my teammates and my enemies. I also took a shot right in the face that made me laugh quite a bit. (I just poked my head up, and bam!, right in the goggles. With that, we were done. I managed not to injure myself (a first) and I wasn’t even bleeding (also a first). A good time had by all, and I was quite pleased that I didn’t totally suck.

I returned home, and fell asleep for a number of hours, as I was still exhausted. Then I got up, cleaned up the kitchen from the previous evenings festivities, then parked in front of the TV and devoted the next number of hours to Zelda. I’ve received a few requests to post about past Zelda games, and my impressions/thoughts/etc.. (not that a lack of requests would have stopped me), and in a fit of unbridled nerdiness, I have agreed to do so… but not right now, cause I’m tired. For now, just know that the new Zelda does indeed still rule. One little note: Back when I was in college, my roommate Swac was into Beast Wars transformers, and I started watching when he told me how they had run across the old crashed ship where the original (Generation 1) transformers were lying dormant. I absolutely love the whole “full circle” effect that things like that have, where suddenly everything that’s happened, and will happen, and is currently happening is set into an overarching framework, and for one brief instant, everything makes sense, and you understand how it all fits together. It’s like that feeling you get a split second after a girl says she’s like to go out with you, and a split second before you never hear from her again. I love that feeling. Anyway, I’ve recently gotten to a part in Zelda where that very thing happens, and I just gazed on in giddy amazement as joyous Zelda perfection made itself known to me. It was wonderful. My joy was later dissipated when my game froze after 4 hours of exploration and discovery without saving.

Saturday night Mindy came over, and we (Mindy, Robb, Swac, and I) headed off to Damons for dinner. I had a giant steak (and then I was hungry again on Sunday. Eating is so retarded! What’s the point!?). We hung out, and watched the NCAA games. We sat between a really dorky trivia guy who insisted on reading all of the text on the screen, then making some lame comment about it, and a table of drunks with one rabid Syracuse fan. If I heard “Feel the Orange!” one more time, I will slaughter something, hopefully myself. We then returned home, and watched Ed, finally. It was wonderful, naturally. I’m in love with Carol Vessey..nuff said. There’s a fair amount of talk about the show getting canceled, and I think it goes without saying that if the show does indeed go away, I will be killing many people.

I finally did my taxes today, and Uncle Sam is writing me a check. I really ought to write out that budget before the checks arrive, but most of the things I need to plan ahead for I have a hard time believing I’ll ever need. Who needs retirement money when you go down in a hail of bullets in the office of network executives at NBC?

Oh yeah, the ice everywhere looks absolutely spectacular. Check Alan’s pictures to see. But the cold still gets the finger.