And That’s Chaos

So I’m back. Evening was great fun. I ate a cow, and downed two beers that were the size of Rhode Island. So a round of applause to my sister, Kristin, for getting all of it set up and so forth. (clap, clap). So yea, good stuff. Lots of food that I didn’t have to pay for, lots of people that knew me and didn’t avert their eyes and pretend to be urgently headed in the other direction when I made eye contact with them. Always a plus. My thanks to Sven and Julie, Mindy, Jodi, Erin, Kris, Jamie, Robb, Swac, and Mandace for coming out. I believe it took at least 15 minutes before they all realized that I’m completely retarded, so I’m making some progress.

So after dinner, we hung out at my place for a while, then headed out to bowl, but bowling was packed, so we played cards for a while there, then headed back to my place and played Fluxx, and by then it was late. Afterwards, I talked to Deedre on the phone for a while (which is always a good thing), then had to fix some stuff on this site, cause I completely lack foresight, but now it’s fixed, and I decided to post again.

I’m a big fan of the book Jurassic Park, and I think it was probably the 2nd or 3rd time through the book when I really got into the whole Chaos Theory thing. At the time I was “seeing” this girl: Sarah. (Seeing –> What you call it when you’re pretty much dating, but the girl doesn’t really want to have the kind of relationship where she’s not allowed to just ditch you at a moment’s notice cause she’s no longer quite as bored or lonely… but still expects you to come running in 2 months when she is again. See also : “Completely and Utterly Screwed”). Anyway, I was seeing Sarah, and my relationship with her seemed to follow Ian Malcolm’s predictions about the inevitability of complete devastation there at Jurassic Park. So I started trying to track how my days were going in the hopes that it would match one of the drawings in the book: (yea.. I can’t find my book, so I can’t scan the image. Basically things slide slowly down from okay to bad, then all of a sudden things get really good… just before they all crash down to the very bottom.) Anyway, I started tracking my days, and they followed almost exactly for a while there. I don’t know how much self fulfilling prophecy there was in there, so I may have tainted it a bit.. But from that point on, I chose to believe that beneath all the apparent randomness and chaos going on in my life every day, there is an underlying order and structure, and dare I say direction/destiny? No? okay, I won’t say that part then. But there’s an order, certainly. Problem being, by that point I was so disillusioned with everyone and everything I came to the conclusion that that underlying order was this: “No matter what happens, it’ll eventually screw me over.”

I held on to that mantra for 4 years, and it proved true most of the time. Me being fairly retarded, and remaining with Sarah for 3 years probably didn’t help out that much. But things eventually changed, and that small seed of optimism crept in, and slowly but surely things suddenly didn’t seem that bad. So now, here I sit, feeling very much like I did way back then. I assume that no matter how hard I try at anything, it’s just going to come back to screw me over in the end… and I’m not sure why. Things have actually been going fairly well: I’ve got a great job, nice place to live (100% Keen-free©), good friends and family, etc… And the majority of the bad things that have happened in the last long while are either my own fault (car keys are stupid), or just random enough to not be worth getting upset about. So now I wonder: have I just become so accustomed to being kinda pissed off/depressed that I just choose to be that way now? And if so, what should I do to switch it over to something slightly less pessimistic? Thus far, the best answer I’ve come up with is : Eat a cow, and down 2 beers the size of Rhode Island.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *